I woke up this morning and the first question or thought that hit me was, “when do I get to have fun?”
It may sound strange to ask oneself such a question when we are really in control of things like that. Yes, we all have responsibilities and some of them are all consuming with our time and energy. Sometimes, those tasks are more energy draining than we have internal strength, time or power to overcome. I was no exception to that rule throughout my life. I was a caregiver for more than I care to think about and, they kept me occupied for a good chunk of my life.
From a young age, I took over a mothering role with my youngest brother when he was born. My mother became an alcoholic and I had to grow up fast, much faster than what I had ever wanted to, intended on or should have had to have to have done.
My father had a heart attack at 39 years of age and his health also became a concern with a great fear of losing him to yet another attack. In those days, the reality was that there wasn’t as much that could be done for a heart patient as there are now. While most parents would have tried to have sheltered their children from the harsh realities of death and illnesses to some degree or another, my mother and her family’s drinking patterns weren’t exactly ones of nurturing children, let alone sheltering. As a matter of fact, it was an environment that threw us into survival mode and left my brother closest in age to me and myself, as parents to our parents and a much younger brother.
Throughout my life, I became chief caregiver and bottle washer for many family members on both my family and my husband’s family as they all eventually, one by one, became ill or aged and died. I have buried more people and pets than I can count and more recently, my own daughter had decided to move out with a drug-riddled jerk who has a narcissistic personality disorder. She stopped seeing, talking or communicating with us in spite of my efforts towards trying to get her to work things out with us.
I don’t begrudge any of those things because I personally believe that it’s made me a much stronger person because of it all. I have learned more about what’s inside of me than what I knew existed within me. I found a sense of power that could be brought out when needed while at the same time, I had weakened in other ways. Long-termed stress can do a number on one’s mind and body. It’s been a double edged sword but, not as bad as some people on this planet have had to face. I won’t complain.
Perhaps, it was a dream that I was having that awakened me with this question? I have no idea but, I do know that it’s a valid question that only I can answer and do something about.
There’s no one left to care give for other than my husband and our pets. Even our grown and adult daughter is no longer part of our lives and therefore, I have no obligations towards her in any way. My husband is now retired. We are living on a fixed income but we had the foresight to put away some savings towards our future. Of course, we don’t know if it will be enough and we have to be careful but, I do know that it can allow us some room to relax a bit as long as we’re careful about what we spend. We are not living hand-to-mouth at the moment but, there’s little left for frivolities. Still, there is space for at least a comfortable living if we’re careful with our savings and pension.
The real hindrance is ourselves and our overly cautious and responsible natures. My husband is worse than I am in that arena. He is more afraid of changes than I am as the only constant in my life has been learning to adapt to and deal with changes. While I have been far more willing to make changes, my husband remains with his feet stuck in the mud of routines.
What I have thought about throughout the day today is that I am the only one who can create situations for fun. Everyone is tasked with that ability to make choices. It’s up to each of us to make decisions which can lead us towards new adventures and fun or to stay mired in routine and simply move from one crisis to another, breathing in between and hoping for peace. Maybe that’s what most people hope for and I am expecting too much? However, having lived a life that was filled with responsibility from a far too young age, I am ready for fun. I’m ready for changes in routines and I’m willing to make changes. Now, to convince my husband whom I’ve been with since I was 16 years of age. I have no wish to leave him behind at this point in my life no matter what but, I am not willing to remain the same for the rest of our lives having lost so many people I was close to throughout my life.
I’m sure that over the next few weeks, I will come up with a list of things that I wish to do. I’ve never given myself that opportunity to think of what it is that I wish to do with my life but, I suppose that most of us are running on auto-pilot and simply doing what we need to do versus what we want to do. For some, that will include and be focused solely on survival so, I can’t complain in all reality.
What is the purpose of this piece beyond me whining, you may be asking yourself right now.
The purpose is to say that fun is important. Whether we are laughing for a short period of time with others or, walking beaches with warm sand and water running between our toes, or a lounging evening in front of a good movie on the television set, fun is an important part of both our mental and physical health. It’s an element of us that needs to be considered fully as part of our healthcare regime and darn it…I am going to find a way to put more of it into my life now that I’ve done enough for everyone else for most of my life.
From my little corner of life to yours, may you make the time to laugh, be silly and have fun. It’s important. It’s also something that shouldn’t be put off because none of us know what tomorrow brings.
Be well, stay well, blessings, Love and Light as I have found the answer to my question by simply writing this piece.
THE TIME IS NOW! Have fun.