Possibility of MORE Gilmore Girls To Come On Netflix

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Please say it will happen.  Pretty please with sugar on top or perhaps, 4 teaspoons of sugar in an extra strong coffee so that I can type faster.

No, this isn’t an old story.  This is new in March 2017.

Word has it that Netflix’s chief content officer, Ted Sarandos has had a preliminary talk about more upcoming Gilmore Girls episodes with writers and creators, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino.  Notice the word “preliminary” is said.  It’s not carved in stone, nor is it evident whether the Palladinos have or will ever consider it.  Add to that, the fact that the main cast of GG is moving onto other projects and it may not be a go.  By gawd though, fans can only blow out birthday cake candles and make that wish as it’s out of our hands.  Well, at least we can voice our wishes on every mag or paper that writes about it.

When the series was cancelled in 2007 after the Palladinos had been left out of writing and producing the last season due to contract disputes, fans were left less than happy about the ending of the series in two ways.  First was the ending in and of itself but, most importantly, whomever took up the writing and producing of the final and seventh season, didn’t do the finale justice.

Nearly 9 years later, the original Palladino Duo, Amy and Dan, signed up with Netflix to do a 4 movie-length series named “A Year In The Life”.  Not only did it deliver more up-to-date content but it was as though time had moved along without us noticing those missing 9 years.  Though, I must say that there were times when I yawned at what appeared to be thrown in and wasted scenes such as the Stars Hollow Musical, Rory’s farewell escapade with Logan and the Life and Death Brigade which was almost akin to an LSD trip.  However there were other moments where a box of tissues to wipe eyes and noses were needed as tears streamed down faces with Lorelai and Emily’s fights and tensions, Lorelai and Luke’s love, tension and marriage and a few other occasions that were tear-jerking in a good way.

A lot of the old cast made its way back to the 4 episodes, even if only for what might be considered brief or cameo appearances.  It was novel to see them all again though some of them weren’t absolutely necessary for the series to continue and still aren’t.  It’s ok if some of the cast can’t commit to more.  One of them would be Melissa McCarthy who has become “too big a star” to have the time.  Jackson could go too as could Lane’s hubby and the band.  They were great reminiscing but, that’s about as much of a role as they needed to play and would need to play.  It’s possible to go on with the series without them now.

There was a lot left wide open for new story lines that could carry the show to go on.

  1. Emily’s life and what she’s going to do with it since moving to Nantucket.  Is it really where she will stay or is there more up her sleeve after a bit of a break from Hartford and the DAR?  There’s plenty more room for a bigger story for Emily to come, including whatever happens between her and her new beau/boyfriend.
  2. There’s Lorelai and Luke, their marriage, do they move, how do they incorporate being parents to both of their daughters as well as now….grandparents?
  3. Does Lorelai buy the old manor in the middle of Stars Hollow to expand her Inn and keep Michel with her?  How does she do it and what happens from there on in with her inn?  Who gets the chef’s spot or does Luke’s diner get all of the business?  Maybe, Luke runs both?
  4. Who is Rory’s baby-daddy?
  5. Does Rory smarten up and go on to grow up and be the mother to her child that Lorelai was to her?  What does Rory do with her life while raising a child?  Does she live with Lorelai and Luke and they help raise the baby?
  6. Does being grandparents and perhaps, raising Rory’s baby at least half of the time, make up for them not being able to have children of their own as a couple?

There’s a whole world left wide open to these characters yet to be written into scripts that could bring the show into the present time.  It’s already had the hallmarks of doing that in those 4 episodes that Netflix so bravely and wisely decided to bring out and together.

From my little corner of life, there’s not only plenty more room for more but, there’s also the fan base if they don’t wait too long to do it.  That’s key here.  Don’t wait too long.  Nine, almost 10 years was far too long for a revival.  Keep it warm while the fans are still hot and longing for more, Netflix, Amy Sherman-Palladino, Dan Palladino, Lauren Graham (Lorelai), Alexis Bleddel (Rory), Scott G. Patterson (Luke), Kelly Bishop (Emily Gilmore) and the rest of the cast that wants to join in, which will hopefully, be most of them but we know, not all of them.

Netflix has my vote.  What about yours?  Comment!  Let’s hope it brings this up to Netflix, the Palladinos and the cast’s attention.  We vote YES.

 

When Your Adult Child Becomes Abusive

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If your adult child or children were anyone else on this planet, would you allow them the leeway that you are giving to your abusive child or children?

Tough question to answer, isn’t it?  Part of that is because we have that “bond” with our child or children as a parent that supersedes any other relationship that we can have or have had in our lives.  Love is blind as they say so, we often blindfold ourselves to the three dimensional view of our child or children.  We can see glimpses of their flaws and faults but, that’s as much as our guilt will allow us to see.  It’s nearly impossible for us to be as fully objective about our own child or children as we may be able to be with other people.

The word “guilt” was used for good reason. As parents, not only does the love we have for them become overwhelming and blinding but, we tend to tie our own self-worth into our child or children.  The moment we dive deeply into being critical of our own flesh and blood that we brought into this world or even adopted from someone else’s womb, we tie ourselves to that child or children in a way that we cannot tie ourselves to anyone else on this planet.  A put-down of our child even from our own minds and whether we gave birth to them or not, is oftentimes, felt as a put-down upon ourselves as both parents as well as who we are in general as people.  If our child or children are not doing well in life or is somehow “flawed”, we can unconsciously or even consciously, figure that it’s our faults.  We can leap to the conclusion that somehow, we have failed as parents and therefore we are also flawed as people in one way or another.

Not everyone will completely blame themselves for their child’s failures in Life.  Some parents will be able to see that our children have made choices in friends or groups that they’ve chosen to hang around and blame them instead of ourselves.  However, somewhere, deep down inside of us, there’s still a feeling of somehow being imperfect as a parent because our child or children have made those choices whether we’ve discouraged it or outright forbidden it or not. On some level or another, we feel “guilt” in one capacity or another and can tear ourselves to shreds as both parents as well as people.

This then leads us back to the question of whether or not we would allow any other human being to treat us the way that we allow our adult children to treat us.

First of all, were someone else to be treating us with any level ranging from disrespect to outright abuse, we’d likely toss those people from our lives to some extent or another, for some time frame or another or, more likely, until there was at least a sincere apology from that person.  If it was a long-termed thing, we’d likely walk away and not look back.   With family, it’s not quite that easy.  We can even find ourselves being victims as adults to poor treatment from our own parents and siblings out of a feeling of obligation and duty.  However, having said that, we can also come to a point where we begin to distance ourselves either somewhat or totally from them and their abusive or manipulative ways.  Friends or others in our lives are even more likely to be walked away from under these circumstances.  Our children are not quite as easy to distance ourselves from because of the above and for other reasons.

There is likely few people that we put more of ourselves into than we do with our child or children.  Even as adults, we are still invested in many ways in our children’s lives and well-being.  After all, isn’t that our job?  At least, that’s what we may reason with ourselves but, the answer to that is a resounding “no” once our children become adults and, we don’t need to continue to allow them to use, abuse or treat us poorly once they have become adults.  Our “jobs” are done.  We gave birth to them, loved them, raised them, gave them what we could reasonably give them and we supported them in more than a roof over their heads.  There are exceptions of course in the parenting world to this but, we’re talking about the average parent here, not those who were abusive to their own children or neglectful in any way.

There are a few things to take into consideration in how parents can deal with their adult-abusive or even estranged child (a topic that not many sites will deal with).

Your influence over your adult child was watered down many years ago.

We all like to think that we still have some sort of power or control over our children’s lives once they are adults.  For some, this is true but, for the most part, our influences over our child, all of our teachings, morals and values that we feel we’ve instilled into them, was long ago watered down by the influences of many other people in our children’s lives as they grow.  We are no longer their sole source of influence.  Peers, bosses, teachers and society in general, also including technology as well as entertainment venues, have taken over the largest portion of what affects them or doesn’t affect them once they are adults and have been doing so for many years before this point.  Oftentimes, those sources are the biggest reasons for their actions, decisions or choices at this stage of their lives versus us, as parents.  We therefore, cannot continue to place blame upon ourselves for everything that our children decide to do or not do.  Those choices were influenced by many other sources and we are the least likely sources at this point in our children’s choices or lack of them so, we can halt the self-deprecating right there for their poor choices or in taking the blame for the way they treat us now.

Having given your child too much attention or in short, spoiling them.

A lot of parents from the 1980’s onwards are likely guilty of having given their child everything they could possibly give them including monetary things as well as attention, devotion, praise and love.  Parents of children from the 80’s onwards were also victims to a new way of thinking about parenting. Society was at a point where the theory was to reward children for almost everything that they did, including potty training.  They got stars, praise and even rewards or trophies for simply participating no matter how well they did or whether they did anything or not.  They simply had to show up more than half of the time in order to get a reward of some type or another.  Even education was play based and grades were given out according to effort, not necessarily, achievement.

This was a time frame in which parents were also encouraged to praise our children to the hilt for even small endeavours in the home and, it was done by most.  Support, praise, rewards and more of the same.  No matter what children did or didn’t do in those times, they were rewarded for one thing or another.  Not only did that lead us to believe that our children could do no wrong but, it led them to feeling “entitled” to getting rewarded in one way or another no matter what they did or didn’t do.  It was that entitlement that turned a fairly good chunk of those children into little narcissists who believed that the sun rose and set on them no matter what they did or didn’t do.  That wasn’t just parental influence but, also that of society in general.  Even were children to be disciplined at home, they were rewarded for even poor attitudes and skills outside of the home. Parents couldn’t override an entire system and if they tried, the parents became “The Hated Ones” because the rest of society and its systems were telling these children that they were “entitled”.   We did them no favours as human beings because it made it tougher for these kids to grow up into a tough, dog-eat-dog world where they weren’t able to cope well because everything had been handed to them up until this point.  That wasn’t necessarily parent’s faults but rather societal experimentation that failed these children and turned them into narcissistic tending little monsters who eventually, would grow up into adults who felt entitled and angry when they didn’t get what they wanted anymore from Life or their parents.

The “experts” are still saying that parents should tell their children they are loved no matter how badly they’ve treated us or, even if they have walked away on us and are now estranged from us.

Not to put down the so-called “experts” but, how many parents have tried with their children, always telling them that they are loved, only to find themselves being either doormats or punching bags for their children?

Answer:  Lots!

Sadly, many parents of children from the ’80s onwards are now finding their either fully adult or nearly adult children, treating them like yesterday’s garbage and being tossed to the side while they’re still telling their child, “I love you” and continuing to do so no matter how badly they are treated by their children.

Far be it from me to tell parents to not tell their children that they are loved and wanted.  Every parent needs to let their children know that much but, when that child not only disrespects that parent but, treats them poorly, it’s time to give up on the loving words and time to get real with their adult children by letting them know that while they are still loved, their attitudes and abusive, using actions will not be tolerated.  Enough already with sending them messages of “I love you” and leaving it there while rolling with the punches.  These are no longer 10 year old children who can’t understand the meanings of their actions fully.  These are fully grown adults who must learn that for every action, there’s an equal or greater reaction.  That doesn’t mean withdrawing love for them however, it does mean that these adults don’t get to treat their parents poorly and still get the benefits that they would if they were treating their parents with respect and love too.  Poor actions get poor reactions.  Withdrawal of love for them is never a solution but, rewarding them by permitting poor treatment is not the answer.  They need a wake-up call for their sakes as well as the parent’s own well-being.

If you wouldn’t let others treat you this way and would walk away from them, why are you letting your child do this to you?  

As has been said throughout this piece in differing ways, rewarding poor behaviour is akin to a form of abuse from parents.  We are not doing them any good by rewarding our children for their poor treatment of us or by putting up with it and giving them more and more of ourselves.  Life doesn’t work that way so, why should we?

When a child is rewarded for poor behaviour, attitudes, actions, choices or decisions, it re-inforces that behaviour within them.  No, they won’t like being said “no” to nor, will they love the idea that they’re not getting their own way or what they want if we do start to stand up to them as adults and let them know that it’s not ok to treat us in a poor manner.  However, continuing to give them what they want, expect or feel entitled to getting, is only bolstering the idea that poor behaviour, temper tantrums, threats of withdrawal from our lives and whatever else they can throw at us to manipulate us into giving them what they want is simply training them to continue treating us as parents, wrongly, poorly and with disregard as well as disrespect.

Let me say something perfectly clear here.

Giving more of yourself and handing everything to someone who is treating us badly, let alone our children, is a recipe for becoming a “doormat” for others.  In short, we are laying ourselves down on the ground and letting people walk on and wipe their feet on us.  That’s not right.  We are people too and it doesn’t matter who they are to us.  

Sadly, sometimes, we have to let them go and hope that they will eventually come back otherwise, we risk our lives becoming infected with toxicity.  

There’s no bigger health threat than having someone we love, treat us like dirt beneath their feet and making us feel like we don’t matter in this life.  That goes for our adult children.  We all need to feel wanted, loved, respected and treated fairly and well.  We deserve that from others especially, the very children that we lovingly raised to the adult level and oftentimes, sacrificed more than a good night’s sleep for.  Many parents can tell stories of having given up great careers, being able to travel or do things that they, themselves wanted to do for themselves that would have made them happy, in order to give everything to their child or children, leaving themselves unhappy, unfulfilled and only to be treated in an abusive, uncaring manner or worse, have that child or children walk out of their lives, without contact, care or concern for their parent(s) and their well-being.

More to the point, those children have become what one can consider a “toxin” to the parent, making them feel as though they’ve wasted those years of their lives on someone who cannot or more to the point, return that love, care or respect to their parents.  Not only that but, it wears on the parent’s psychological well-being and soon after, their physical health.  It’s a vicious cycle especially, when the parent continues to feel as though they simply need to do more, try harder, give more or plead with that child to keep their love or the adult child in their lives.  It’s akin to a dog or cat, chasing their own tails.  It’s a fruitless exercise in not only futility but in a form of an illness of one sort or another.  It won’t change your child and sometimes, the only way to make one person’s lives healthier, is for the parent to either distance themselves, limit their time or exposure to that child’s ill behaviour and treatment or, to completely walk away if the child doesn’t do it for themselves.

Yes, that all sounds counter-intuitive to what we feel or have been taught to think of as “proper parenting” but, this all leads back to the original question….

If this were anyone else in your life, would you continue to let that person abuse or mistreat you?

If your answer is “yes” then you, yourself need to find some counselling because you’re not valuing yourself as a person and instead, are valuing others above yourself.

If you answered “no” to this question then, why are you allowing and encouraging your adult child to continue to do it to you?

From my little corner of life, while this is a longer piece than I usually write, it’s an under said topic that needs addressing more and more fully.  We’ve turned out a couple of generations of children now, both adult and children who need to learn that you aren’t rewarded for treating others poorly.  There are consequences to their behaviours and reactions to their actions of equal or greater proportion.

Be well and let me know what you are dealing with in the comments, please.

Best wishes from one parent to another or to adult children who might be reading this and recognizing what may be happening in their own relationships with their parents.

Comment!

 

 

 

Who Is Rory’s Baby Daddy On Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life?

It’s been since November 25th, 2016 that we’ve been handed 4 brand new episodes of Gilmore Girls thanks to Netflix being brave enough to have revived it from the ashes like the phoenix.  We are forever grateful to the Powers That Be at Netflix, Warner Bros., the cast of Gilmore Girls and, of course, writers and producers Amy Sherman-Pallidino and hubby, Dan Palladino.  However, enough is enough so, if you haven’t watched these 4 movie-length episodes and don’t know the final 4 words yet, you’re out of luck because even the title of this piece has spoiled it for you.  Now, we need to know who the father of Rory’s baby is, how Rory and Lorelai deal with this baby and so much more.  There’s millions of Gilmore Girls Fans out here, waiting for more Gilmore Girls to be born from ASP and DP’s brilliant minds and Netflix can be the god who makes that happen for us all.  Hint, hint, Netflix.

Netflix has posted what may be a teaser tweet recently that has the millions of Gilmore Girls fans leaping for joy that there could possibly be more Gilmore Girls to come.  Let’s all hope and pray to the television production gods that there are.

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Netflix tweeted this photo with a caption that read, “Where’s an eighth grade science fair when you need one? #GilmoreGirls”

Co-writer and producer, Dan Palladino stated in a recent interview that there were plenty of hints given as to who the father was though Rory seemed to want to go it alone after having visiting her father who wasn’t around for her own childhood much of the time.  She then reveals to her mother, final shot, final famous 4 words, “Mom”, “Yeah?” “I’m pregnant”, fade to black.

“I think a lot of clues are out there,” Dan Palladino said in an interview recently.  “I know with the time passage it wasn’t 100 percent clear, but we also didn’t have her engage with who she thought was the father. She felt like she was going ahead on this, deciding what to do and how to do it solo, that’s why we had her go to her father.”

So, who could the father be?

There were old boyfriends and a new boyfriend who showed up in the 4 episodes as well as a one night stand with a guy in a Wookie costume that we know of thus far.

Let’s look at Dean, (Jared Padalecki).  He was Rory’s first boyfriend in the show.  He showed up for an extremely quick, short scene, married and seemingly uninterested in Rory as anything more than an old friend from Stars Hollow.  Not much even hinted there.  Besides, Padalecki is quite busy starring in his own show, “Supernatural”.  It’s not likely to be him nor, was there any hint or room left for him to be Rory’s love interest, let alone baby daddy.

There was poor Paul, played by Jack Carpenter that no one could remember was ever there, including Rory.  She kept leaving him and having to go back for him.  Even Lorelai, Luke and Grandma Emily couldn’t remember ever having met him though Rory had allegedly been dating him for at least 2 years.  If Rory couldn’t remember him being there when he went to the bathroom, it’s likely that he wasn’t the father of her child.  It seems unlikely that she’d have unzipped her pants and remembered he was in the room, long enough for anything to happen between the 2 of them.  Let’s strike pathetic Paul out as simply the guy who filled a space.

Next candidate we have is Jess Mariano played by Milo Ventimiglia of “This Is Us” fame and now up for a Golden Globe Award for his part in that show.  That means that the show is likely to be going on for at least another season with NBC and Milo (Jess) will be locked into it.  His appearance on the revival 4 episodes was extremely limited and not too revealing as to there being anything between them that could have led to a romantic interlude where Rory would get caught up in a pregnancy.  I think it’s safe to rule Jess out as the sperm donor.

Last but, not least from Rory’s roster of old boyfriends, we have Logan, played by Matt Czuchry.  Logan was Rory’s longest and most deep love.  During the 4 episodes, Rory had been sneaking around to see and sleep with Logan while jet-setting it back and forth between Stars Hollow and London, England where Logan has taken residence to work for his father, in his father’s business and run it.  Uncharacteristically, Rory knows that Logan is engaged to be married to a wealthy woman, likely chosen by the Huntzberger family or his father yet, still sleeps with Logan whenever there, lying to her mother, Lorelai that she’s staying in England with a girl friend.  What is clear though is that while Czuchry was still embroiled in a role with “The Good Wife” at the time this was being filmed, the series is done and Czuchry is now out of work.  Does that mean that he’s Rory’s baby’s father?  It’s an interesting thought but, one has to wonder given that Rory and Logan had lived together during the original series and the plot line never had her pregnant, it’s likely that birth control was taken care of both then and now.  The only time that it could have happened, without warning would have been during Logan’s surprise but, final visit to see Rory in Stars Hollow where she bid him farewell, knowing that he was set to marry “Odette” and didn’t want to keep up the charade of a relationship any longer.  Though, it wouldn’t be Rory’s first indiscretion.  Rory lost her virginity to a married Dean and considered him, hers, not his wife’s.

There’s another possibility that was left in the show.  A one night stand with a “guy dressed in a Wookie costume” which was highly uncharacteristic of Rory to have done but, then again, not much that Rory did in these 4 episodes was characteristic of her character.  Even then, this Wookie character was nothing but a comedic rant for Rory to have given, unless it was Logan, dressed up as a Trekkie and meeting up with Rory as yet, another surprise visit from England?  Not likely but, Logan (Matt Czuchry) does know who the father is as Amy Sherman-Palladino left him with that knowledge.  He won’t reveal that news however, he does hint that there could be more episodes to come as it’s left a lot of unanswered questions and room for a future series to come.  Great timing since “The Good Wife” is ending for a spin-off series that he won’t be involved in apparently.

Finally, there was an outlandish guess by some fans that Rory was acting as a surrogate for Lorelai and Luke’s baby.  I, personally, will dismiss this idea because Luke was abhorred by the idea of anyone else having his child except for Lorelai.  The fact that Luke also considered Rory as his pseudo daughter, would make it far too creepy an idea.  I’m tossing that one out with my empty Diet Pepsi can as I type this right now.

In taking Dan Palladino’s hint that there are hints, though time may have lost them (meaning that they were held back in the original series which would require watching them all again in spite of many of us, having watched them more than 2 or 3 times each), we could let our imaginations run wild in figuring it out.  However, from my little corner of life, I think that there are millions of us out here who are chomping at the bit for there to be more Gilmore Girls and the series to re-start so that we can get more answers and start fresh again in 2017/2018 and beyond.

Netflix, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino…are you listening?  Our voices are screaming out for more Gilmore Girls.

Are The Gen Xers Partially To Blame For The Millennial Generation’s Issues

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Having finished listening to a whack of Ted Talk Youtube videos on “The Millennials” and why they are the way that they are, I’m exhausted.

In case you’re not familiar with the term “Millennials”, they are the generation of kids who were born from (some say) 1981 to 2000 or (in other cases) 1980 to the 1990’s.  It varies, depending upon where you get your information.  However, suffice to say, the “Gen Xer’s” or those born before 1960 and post WWII…are their parents and apparently, to blame for what bashing they have taken over their “ill actions” and “attitudes”.

Here comes the terms that Millennials hate the most, “entitled, lazy, narcissistic and self-centered”.   These are the labels that Millennials have been given in a widespread fashion or generality and Millennials hate them.

Only one question here, “who wouldn’t hate them?”

Well, as it turns out, a lot of the Millennials do portray tendencies towards narcissistic behaviours and attitudes.  They don’t like working jobs that they feel are “beneath them” as they “went to university and were FORCED to do so”.  They have respect but, for a lot of them, they respect themselves more than anyone else on this planet, including the Gen Xers/Baby Boomer parents who raised them, gave them love and care, housed and fed them and may still be doing so as well as sacrificed their own needs in order to send them off to college/universities all over the planet if they wanted to go.  We’re also the ones who bought them cars, cell phones and didn’t push them to get jobs flipping hamburgers or scrubbing down toilets to make any money that they could.  We did those types of jobs to help out our parents and they sucked.  Why make our precious children do that when we can grab another mortgage or work 2 jobs or go way beyond our retirement years to pay back the debt we got ourselves into for them so that they wouldn’t have to do those types of jobs?

Let’s not get too ahead by patting ourselves on the back just yet though.

Gen Xers/Baby Boomers ARE partially at fault for our children’s mental and emotional situations right now.  If we have narcissists on our hands who aren’t working and may be still living at home with us, it is our faults in a sense.  We raised them.  We taught them to be like this.  How can they help it?  It’s what we taught them to be.

Scratching your head yet?  Wondering where I am coming from?

First of all, we were the generation who decided that we weren’t going to be able to live “Leave It To Beaver” lives where June Cleaver stayed at home and cleaned house, cooked and served dinner in dresses, pearls and heels with a tiny, crisp white apron on.  We were the generation who had been part of a Women’s Liberation movement in one way or another and damn it….we were going to work too so that our generation could afford more than our parent’s generations could.  We were going to give our kids more than what we had and screw it…we were going to give our children a sense of self with esteem coming out their flipping little ears.

We read books on how to raise children.  Hell, we could have given birth to our own children if we’d wanted to through classes, books and instructional videos (albeit, VHS versions if we were lucky) on how to give birth.  We were determined to be THE best parents the world had ever seen from conception through until we ourselves, needed diapers in our old age.  Our children would never have to go without or hurt if we could help it.  The “Experts” all told us how to do this, right?

From Lamaze Class, back to work to raising a teenager who we scrimped and saved to send to college or university, we were parents and we did everything we could to make our kids happy and have a sense of self-esteem.  Gone were the days when people had to stay in marriages because the woman couldn’t afford to take their children and leave but, most of us stayed in our marriages because…we wanted a unified and balanced home life for our precious Millennial children….the next generation of well-adjusted, self-reliant, well educated, most privileged children we could possibly raise, even if it killed us doing so.

It was the Gen Xers/Baby Boomer generation who decided that giving children trophies, badges or some other reward for simply showing up or putting any effort into what they did was appropriate.  It was our generation who decided that “team participation was more important than winning” and gave them rewards for even being on a team of any kind.  Every kid made it into something, good, bad or indifferent.  Every child who tried, was recognized in a good way.  Every child’s self-esteem was boosted so that nothing was ever “wrong”.  At worst, it was a “good attempt but, try something else” type of stance.

Laws were changed so that youths were no longer punished as adults and that still stands in a lot of countries.  Schools adopted the “no touch or hands-off” approach and teachers were no longer even able to restrain an out of control child as that involved “touching”.  Principles called teachers into offices with parents there to crucify the teacher’s admonishment to little “Billy or Sue” because the teacher’s words “hurt their feelings and put them into a grave emotional state”.

“It’s unfair to our children,” we screamed at every turn of a corner and every chance we got to stand up for them while they played cruder versions of video games at home, on the couches (and we wonder why we have overweight issues with children now).

We sacrificed to buy them everything we could possibly afford to give them including cars, electronics, video games, and never pushed them.  Hell, we even pushed to have special help at school for them so that they wouldn’t feel left behind in any way.  If that wasn’t enough, our generation decided that every child should be pushed ahead a grade no matter what their grades so that they could be socially on par with the rest of their peer group and friends.

In short, it didn’t matter what the Millennials did or didn’t do, Mom and Dad as well as Society, were all behind them.  They couldn’t fail or do much “wrong”.

Is it any wonder that there’s an entire generation of kids, running around this world today who feel entitled to being handed everything?  Is it of any question that we have kids who feel that The Universe revolves or, should…around them and their wishes, needs and egos?  Furthermore, is it any real mystery why this generation had social issues where they’d back-stab one another if needed to get what they wanted?

These kids are now in their late teens/early 20’s through to their 30’s and we’re actually still bowing down to them because they demand it.  They’re unwilling to work jobs that are beneath their level of education and they blame us because we “forced them to go to university/college”.  They expect White Collar jobs because they trained for that, not blue collar work for the most part.  Those who are still able to get Blue Collar jobs are those who went into trades and they expect an extraordinary salary or they won’t work either.

Worse than anything, these kids have egos the size of a city block or bigger.  With heads stuck in cell phones and computers, on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and every other conceivable social media, they complain about the world and their lives.  They have zero respect for the most part for anyone else and boy are they opinionated!  They know it all.  We can’t tell them a thing.  As a matter of fact, the only thing they want us to tell them is that it’s ok to still stay living with us, well into their 30’s or more and what time dinner will be on the table for them so that they can get out with other Millennials who are doing the same things.

I digress though.  They are spoiled.  That’s the bottom line here.  We taught them to respect themselves more than anything or anyone else on this planet, including us.  We gave them everything and every benefit of the doubt and now, they feel entitled to everything or they will find something or someone else to blame for their lack of ability to deal with Life.  The sad thing is, they are right.  We ARE to blame.  We created little narcissistic monsters for the most part and it’s not easy to get them out of this state of thinking and being.

They are now adults or, at least, most of them are at this point in time.  They are old enough to understand a lot more than what we believe they should comprehend.  They are still our children…even if they are adults.  We still have the ability to teach them that we and Society aren’t always going to serve them everything on a silver platter or give them a trophy for getting up in the morning.  They are going to have to pick themselves up, dust their asses off and get moving in Life.  No…it’s not easy.  No…it’s not what they have been used to but, damn it…the world has changed and so must they change to suit it, not the other way around.

As a Gen Xer/Baby Boomer parent with an estranged Millennial-Adult-Child who blames everything and everyone, including her father and I for all of the woes in her life no matter what choices she’s made or not made, I have seen the damage that’s been done and I have taken a stance in changing that by no longer tolerating abuse nor in handing everything to her.  Her temper tantrums no longer work on us.  Her blame no longer works on us.  We may not see her or hear from her but, it’s much like taking someone from a cushy sofa and throwing them outside the door, into the world and saying, “someone’s got to teach you that you can’t keep on living this way!”  The soft approach hasn’t worked.  She’s a much stronger narcissistic, entitled, monster than we thought and it’s partially our fault.

Fix what we created if we can..at least….that’s the way that I’m seeing things from my little corner of life.

What are your thoughts on this matter?  Comment!  I’m listening.

 

 

Can Our Adult Children Bully Us?

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My daughter is an only child who has now become an adult, still acting like a child in spite of having grown up with other children around her at all times so as not to develop “Only Child Syndrome”.  Our home was constantly filled with other children, mainly her friends and some that I temporarily did home daycare with as a way of being able to be home for our daughter but, still bring in an income of some type.  It was also the home in which other children would come when their own families were in crisis and they needed a pseudo-mom to be here for them to help them through things.  In short, my daughter saw a lot of what went on in other families and learned well from other children about being part of a “family”, both the good and the bad.  She learned compassion, helping, sharing as well as the idea that she had it pretty damned good.

As the years went on and she grew old enough to be elsewhere, experiencing other situations in Life, as well as with other circumstances, not so padded anymore, I became less and less important in her life.  That was understood and welcomed as every child must spread their wings and fly at some point or another.  It was “growth” as all children must do.  That meant that my influence as a parent was becoming more watered down in her life.  Her friends, the outside world, experiences, teachers, bosses and others, now had more influence than I did over her as happens in all cases where children aren’t locked in their bedrooms.

Boyfriends had become the focus of her life during her late teen years.  Her choices were not exactly stellar examples by any means.  They all had issues and instead of recognizing the fact that they were changing her and her relationship with me, she tried to get me to change to suit them and their issues.  That led to the start of problems between us because while I could sympathize with these boy’s issues, I wasn’t about to change myself or the house rules to suit these boys as she expected me to do.  Still, I bent some.  I didn’t completely give in but, I bent some in trying to understand and be fair to her, first and foremost but, also to these issue-riddled boys that she was seeing and bringing home while gently and subtly, trying to guide her to see that they were un-changeable in every way as they all needed professional counselling for one reason or another.

By her mid-twenties, after a nasty break-up with one, she had found what I call “Rebound Boy”.  Rebound boy was barely working, had no skills, refused to go to school and had been kicked out of his home by his own wealthy parents.  It was only when Rebound couldn’t find work for himself and was drowning, unable to stand on his own 2 feet, that Daddy decided to create a job for him within the business and paid off his debts that often got rung up on a monthly basis.  A good part of which, entailed hundreds of dollars per month on illegal weed usage, something my daughter abhorred.  Not only that but, he was slovenly, obnoxious, abrasive, un-driven, un-ambitious, un-driven and downright rude to most, if not all people around him.  He managed to not only alienate himself from all friends and his own family but, he was working diligently in trying to separate her from her friends and family.  He succeeded through tricking her into moving in with him, saying that he couldn’t afford to live alone anymore and “needed her” or, he’d have to move further away and they’d never see one another.  I later found out that it was a total lie but, suffice it to say that she fell for it and left home to live with him, his weed and other psychedelic drugs, lose all of her friends and became a clone of him with his attitude.

Fast forward to today.  It’s been nearly 7 years since that move-out she made with him and things have only gotten worse.  Systematically, he convinced her that he was the only one she could trust and, that we, along with his own parents (still providing a job for him) were “Evil Incarnate”.

At this point, she was already withdrawing from our lives, bit by bit.  She was also becoming horridly nasty with us, expecting us to “accept her new life”.  We accepted that she had moved out with him but, we struggled to maintain a relationship of some type with her even though we were trying to understand and accept this man’s issues and even help him.  We bought and paid for dinners, clothing, bought her a car and tried to keep her close to us.  We did the same for him.  Nothing worked.  He simply got more and more abbrassive, arrogant, lazy, mouthy and disrespectful.  She joined him.  In other words, the more we tolerated, the worse both of them became with us.

Eventually, our daughter wanted nothing to do with us because we finally had to stand up for ourselves with his rudeness.  That was his opening (and what he wanted) to ousting us from her life.  He worked hard at it and she became physically violent with me whereupon, I had to tell her to leave our home.  She did leave and didn’t come back.  Nasty emails, horrid and incorrect accusations got hurled at me as a mother while I was already on the ground in grief over the sudden passing of one of my two brothers.  She kicked and I rolled in pain.  She kept kicking until I had to shut the abuse down at which time, she had nothing to do with either my husband nor myself.

We did try another approach when I was back onto my feet after my brother’s death.  I tried, once again, to simply “tolerate” Rebound Boy being around, putting up with his insults, rudeness and not saying much of anything in return in order to keep our daughter close.  As they say, keep your friends close but your enemies even closer.  He had power and he knew it.  It didn’t work.  After 4 plus years of doing this, other family members had had enough of him being around and chose to tell us that he was no longer welcome, questioning our sanity for allowing this in our lives, their lives and our home.  Upon trying to smoke weed at our home, insulting my remaining brother to the point where my brother wanted to hit him and nearly did, I realized that there was no way to deal with this anymore on this basis.  It was time to stop both of their abuse on everyone.

Back to the horrid messages, texts and criticisms of us especially, me and as parents.  She tore us to shreds in what anyone with half a brain could see was brain washing from him, possibly even dictated by him or the gist of it, given by him.  It was all, pure and simply Bully Tactics and it had to stop as neither my husband nor, myself could take any more of it from her/him.  The blame was horrendous for everything that ever had occurred in her life and things twisted so out of proportion to reality that it made me wonder who she was.  She certainly wasn’t the daughter I had known prior to this freak’s interference and her actions, words, hurtful actions had all become simply a form of “bullying” that could no longer be tolerated.

I haven’t seen nor, heard from her in months now.  Quite frankly, as much as this is intolerably painful for me to do, I cannot allow her back into my life unless/until she’s recognized the hurt she’s inflicted upon us.  There’s no more room for tolerating either of their abuse or bullying.  It appears as though it’s going to take her leaving him for her to wake up and realize that what she’s doing is not at all acceptable for anyone, let alone people who have loved and cared for her, her entire life.  There’s nothing left to give her.  There’s no more caving in and giving her what she wants because it’s impossible to give her anything further.  We’re tapped right out in every conceivable way from emotionally to financially.  The tolerance and hand-outs are over and she doesn’t like that fact.  He does though.  He loves it this way but, she cannot see that fact anymore than she can see that she’s become no more than a bully.

The answer to my question of whether our children can bully us or not is a resounding “yes” and as we age, it can become easier for them to do it to us.

If we don’t want this to occur, the bottom line is that we have to re-arrange the dynamics of the relationship we have with our children by placing ourselves back into parental status and them, back into the child role.  No matter how old they get, we are their parents whether they like it or not and we deserve respect from them.  Even if parents had been abusive or neglectful but, have apologized and tried to make it up to the child in whatever ways are possible, there’s only so many “sorrys” that parents can say or show.  If it’s not accepted, it’s time to cut the strings to their bullying us.  No matter what the past was, if parents are trying to make a fresh go of it with their adult-child/children and they are refusing and abusing us, it’s time to cut the strings of their abuse, even if it sadly means that we have no contact with them.  Bullying cannot be tolerated on any level for long.  We wouldn’t allow it with other people, why would we allow it with our own children?

From my little corner of life and pain, I am seeing this situation more clearly now.  With the help of professional counsellors, I am learning to love and like myself, recognize that nothing I did as a parent, warranted this type of treatment and that I need to put myself back into the driver’s seat rather than being a victim to my adult-child’s poor decisions, choices and/or lack of them.  This is purely my daughter’s baggage and choice to hang onto and unless she realizes what has happened to her and seeks out help or leaves the issue-riddled, co-dependent relationship with the jerk she’s chosen to be with, the abuse and bullying won’t stop and she’s not welcome back to dish out more.  We have to love ourselves enough to let go and stop it so that we’re no longer the victims of our adult-child’s abuse and bullying.  Zero tolerance for bullying from anyone.

 

 

 

Walk Awhile In My Shoes Before You Judge Me

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Over the past several years, my daughter has become a “guru”.  She apparently “knows it all”.  She’s a grown-assed woman now, not a kid so, you’d think that she’d know better but, apparently…her and her boyfriend, have spent enough time “doing the research” on Youtube and various sources on the net, that they both figure that they know everything there is to know about everything.  The problem is, they don’t mince words in telling me how they think we should be or should have been living our lives because…yes, they “know it all”.

My husband and I raised our daughter with tons of praise, encouragement and giving her whatever help she wanted or asked for, wherever and however that was possible.  We both went without and sacrificed things in our own lives in order to give her what she needed so that she had the tools she might require to succeed in Life. For the most part, that seemed to have been appreciated by her for the time she was living with us.

Then, along came a series of lazy, un-driven boyfriends who had seemingly, senses of entitlement by virtue of their own set of thoughts about their parents/childhoods.  It was obvious that they had all become used to manipulating their own parents and suddenly, nothing that my husband or myself did or are doing was of is, “right”.  Out of the blue, we were increasingly being told that we were both “ignorant”, “weak” and “ego-driven”, “requiring professional help”.  Of course, that came at the point where we finally put our foot down on weed being done in our home and let her know that we didn’t exactly appreciate the jerk she was with and his rudeness, arrogance, total lack of respect for not only us, but her.  More key was the idea that we could see how he had totally manipulated and was controlling her and, she was letting him do so.

I’ve questioned a lot of things within myself, as has my husband.  I have been hardest on myself, taking blame for everything and anything that went wrong in her life because since she has been with this messed up, warped, sick, individual and using “psychedelic drugs”, there was apparently, nothing that we, as parents, have done right as parents.

It was only with a tremendous amount of hindsight, soul searching and yes, even professional help sessions that I recognized that I was not to blame nor, was I “weak” or “ego driven” or a “coward” as I had been labelled by both of them.  I wondered what I was doing in a therapist’s office all of this time when it became abundantly clear to me that my daughter never truly has walked in my shoes nor, done what I have done in my life thus far.

My husband’s family had escaped from a communist country when my husband was a child and lived in extreme poverty, working hard, physical, manual work to feed and clothe their children.  They often lived with other people until they could finally save up enough of their hard earned money to purchase a house of their own.  For the rest of their lives, they scrimped and saved to pay off the debt owing and make that house theirs.  They lived modestly and had very few frills.

Myself, I grew up with a dysfunctional and abusive, alcohol riddled home life where we also, had little money most of the time.  Many nights were spent, up all night, listening to fighting and arguing where my brothers and myself, worried our father would die of a second heart attack, having suffered one at the age of 40 through stress and lack of self-care.  We were mentally, emotionally and sometimes, physically abused.  Yet, we still respected our parents because they, themselves, had been through a lot in their own lives.

Both my husband and myself, began working when we were 13 years of age in part time jobs to help out our families and not become burdens.  We worked and paid both of our own ways through university then, continued working both full time and part time jobs after university to buy our own house.

As the years went on, we had our daughter and nursed both of our families as one by one, they began dying of cancers, or wandered with dementia and even took care of my parent’s parents as well as raising our daughter.  Still we had made our daughter Number One in our lives.  For several  years of her life, my husband worked full days as a teacher while I quit my work in the dental field as a dental assistant and lab technician and took on evening and weekend work so that I could be home to look after our daughter days while my husband looked after her while I worked nights and weekends.  At least one of us was always here for her.  It wasn’t easy but, we did it…for her sake.

We were never able to have more children but, we tried to make up for our daughter being an only child and the “Only Child Syndrome” that could set in, by permitting every other child in the neighbourhood she had befriended to practically live in our home, feeding them and not worrying about how much of a mess they made like most parents in the neighbourhood concerned themselves with.

Most of all, both my husband and myself, never wanted our daughter to have to go through what we had not only gone through in our own lives but, were going through as she grew up.  We lauded her with praise when deserved, re-directed her gently when we could see she was heading down a wrong path and generally, tried to spare her worry, fear or abuse of any kind from us.  It has now come to mind that perhaps, that was our greatest mistake in raising her.  She rarely had to deal with much more than her schooling and own wants/needs, friends or what she wanted to do next.  She never did so much as washing dishes, let alone any housework.

While our daughter has abandoned both of us and is no longer speaking to us, having hurled hurtful, totally unwarranted insults at both her father and I, I came to recognize that she had never walked in either of our shoes.  As a matter of fact, she had lived a life that was quite the opposite to what we had lived through.  Neither my husband nor myself were “weak” or “ego driven” as she’s often told us we were.  We were actually both, extremely strong people who had lived through a lot in our lives thus far and I finally came to realize that both our daughter and her boyfriend were spoiled as he is doing the same things with his parents.  It wasn’t us.  It’s them.

It’s clear to me now that none of us know what someone else has been through.  Many of us will judge others according to our own experiences in Life.  We shouldn’t.  None of us know what someone else has been through.  They may simply be hiding it from us or, not able to talk about it or express it to us.  Were we to see that portion of their lives, we may have a totally different view of them.  I believe that we all have stories to tell and until we know what those stories are or, have walked in the other person’s shoes in some way or another, we should never judge someone as “weak”.

From my little corner of life and its many experiences, don’t judge others unless you know their story.  You might be surprised at what a difference that can make.

Have a wonderful day.