Debbie Reynolds Dies One Day After The Death of Her Daughter, Carrie Fisher…

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There’s no need to go through the list of credits for either the late actress/comedienne Carrie Fisher nor, for her mother, actress, Debbie Reynolds.  Their list of accomplishments within the entertainment world has and will be documented by many other sources.  What I wish to express is my deepest condolences to their family.

It was tragic to hear that Carrie Fisher had passed away at the age of 60 but, to hear that her mother, Debbie Reynolds, suffered a stroke while making funeral arrangements for her daughter and passed away only hours later and one day after her daughter’s passing, was both ironic as well as horribly sad news in such a rough year where many stars that we came to love and know, have also passed on both young and old.  There will be some hefty In Memoriams done during award ceremonies in early 2017 which may take up a good chunk of these shows.

While I was not truly a Carrie Fisher fan as much as I was a Debbie Reynold’s fan, I felt both of their losses and took them hard.  That’s not to say that I thought any less of the others in the entertainment business who have passed this year but, more because this appeared to be a mother-daughter bond that even death couldn’t break.

In spite of many tortured years between Fisher and Reynolds (Fisher taking blame for that estrangement by saying that she didn’t want to be Debbie Reynold’s daughter due to her famous mother’s stardom) they had found a way to patch up their differences and were finally able to be together, loving one another.

Sadly, Fisher had drug addictions over the years as well as mental health issues that were also part and party to her issues with her mom. Fisher had smoked weed from the age of 13 then, went on to Cocaine, LSD and possibly other drugs. It’s unclear as to how much she did at this time.  Years and even decades of their lives were ruined and wasted because of these issues.  Fisher, herself, admitted it openly in books she had written, stand-up comedy routines as well as interviews, including one done with Oprah Winfrey.

Reynolds had long ago openly stated that it was heart breaking to watch her daughter in such distress and not wanting her as part of Fisher’s life.  As graciously as she could, Reynolds stated that Fisher had pushed her away and there had been nothing she could do except to hurt.  It was sad for both of them as so much time in Life was wasted that could have been spent together.  The depths of mental health issues and drug addictions cannot be measured except in despair for all parties involved it seems.

What was certain was that Reynolds had been with son, Todd Fisher the morning of December 28, 2016, one day after her only daughter’s passing, distraught, overwhelmed and grieving to make funeral arrangements for Fisher when she was stricken with a stroke.  It was allegedly not the first one this year or last that Reynolds had experienced but, it was the one that would end her life only hours later.

Reynolds had stated to Todd that she just wanted to be with Carrie.  And, so it was.  Her passing only hours after her daughter, Carrie’s death, led her to what we all hope was a reunion of the mother-daughter duo.  Perhaps, there was a bond between mother and child that couldn’t be broken?  Whatever it was, son, Todd Fisher stated “she’s with Carrie”.

As family will now have to plan a double funeral for the pair now, it’s uncertain as to how it will take place or when but, suffice it to say that one can only hope that they are together and at peace, loving one another without condition right now.

From my little corner of life, as sad as it all is, I can see reason, justice, hope and a bond that couldn’t be broken by even death itself.  Prayers go out to their family left behind as they grieve both losses at once.  May they take comfort in the idea that perhaps, just perhaps, they are truly together right now.

 

Is Your Child Involved In An Enmeshed Relationship With Someone?

bad relationship

Our children can be our worst haters and abusers especially, when they have chosen to become involved in what one could term as an “enmeshed relationship” with a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse.  Even adult children can turn into seeming monsters who can make us out to be The Devils Incarnate, out to ruin their lives while in one of these types of relationships.

My own daughter, now a fully grown woman, has been involved in a relationship with an issue riddled man, living with him for nearly 7 years.  As parents, my husband and I, both tried to get her to see the fact that this man was most definitely carrying a lot of “emotional baggage” and begged her to wait before making a move in with him.  Of course, both of us as parents, were turned inside out and made into demons in her mind.  Let’s just say that she didn’t have that opinion of us before he entered her life and she had a lot of help in doing so but, must have wanted that end for some reason or another.  The question we set out to figure out was the “why” behind it all.

We watched our daughter go from a loving, giving, thoughtful person who prided herself on her accomplishments in life to someone we didn’t recognize anymore.  She stopped taking care in her appearance, became preachy, holier than thou, appeared sullen, negative, took up weed smoking, lost all of her substantial savings, moved into a tiny, over priced, broken down apartment, racking up debt on her credit card, putting on weight, sleeping every other night on a mattress on the floor or a spring bare couch, dropping all of her friends and becoming a recluse who watched downloaded television programs or documentaries that The Jerk had spent his entire day working on instead of focusing on working.  This once vital, beautiful and ambitious young woman had now become a version of the lazy, un-driven, un-ambitious, debt riddled, pothead she was living with who had no friends of his own and had literally been thrown out by his own parents on several occasions, no longer welcome in their home because he “caused too much trouble for the family and wouldn’t change.”

We spent close to a year without her wanting to speak to us.

“We’re enmeshed,” she screamed out one night after having tried to throw a bowl of salad from our dinner table across the room while visiting us for dinner then, picking up a chair to hit me with while I stopped her and having stopped her again in mid-swing as she attempted to strike me for the first time ever in her life and ushering her to our front door where I  told her that violence would not be tolerated by us in any way. At that very moment, I realize that this person was most definitely not the daughter I had loved and raised.  There was not even a physical resemblance of her remaining visible in any way or sense of the word and, that was the most frightening part of all of this.  We had not only lost her physically but, we had lost our daughter as a person.

For over a year, I sought out counselling for myself.  Had we, as parents, done something wrong?  Were we bad parents?  What was this term “enmeshed” and was I doing it to her?  I had no clue but, I certainly was more than willing to figure it out and if we were at fault, I was determined to find a way to rectify the matter with her any way necessary and even him, if that was warranted.

A year’s worth of therapy, research and journalling, looking back at her childhood and being kicked by her through nasty, ill-tempered emails that cut me to the core during a period of grieving where I was already on the ground after the sudden and accidental death of my brother at the young age of 53 years, I realized that it wasn’t us as parents who were to blame for this entire fiasco and shambles of a parent-child relationship that was left behind.  Nor, was her anger, bitterness or sudden lack of caring about herself or others.  This was totally the work of a master manipulator and sick person…the man she was living with.  She was ‘enmeshed’ with him and with his chronic use of pot as well as heaven knows what other substance he possibly used.  We knew that she was also now heavily into it all as well.

For those who don’t know what the term “enmeshment” means, the short-hand version is similar to the idea of people who become entangled in one another’s lives so greatly that they forget where they begin and the other person(s) end.  While there are many different types of enmeshments and every family possesses some form of it to one degree or another, the definition, for my purposes, is an exaggerated form of dependency on someone else for your own enjoyment of life or to fit an unmet need on one end while other(s) feel guilty if they don’t meet those needs.  In a simplified version, it’s some what a form of “co-dependency”.

“Keep your friends close.  Keep your enemies even closer.”  

It’s uncertain who came up with the phrase above but, my husband and I decided that in spite of our own hurt and anger, we were best to keep this messed up man and our daughter in our sight even though we had never said that he wasn’t welcome and had been allowing him around, just not his weed or whatever he and she had gotten into.  With a lot of tongue biting and swallowing blood, we simply did our best to tolerate the dirt bag being around us when needed/required and saw her on non-occasions on her own when she’d grace us with her presence.

Over the next 3 or 4 years, we had them for dinners and occasions, taking them out and paying the bills for it all, even buying her new clothing for work, new coats and boots, giving her money for what she needed, personally but, refusing to pay off their debts when asked to co-sign for a loan for them both or, provide them with money for first and last month’s rent on a year’s lease on another apartment when our daughter temporarily gave him an ultimatum to shape up or she’d ship out.  We smiled, gritted our teeth and put up with comments from him that we would never accommodate from anyone else for the most part.  We even bought him gifts for birthdays and Christmases so that our daughter couldn’t say we were treating him poorly and yet again, allow him to convince her to walk out on us.  We were keeping her close and him…closer.

Over the next 4 years, things went from bad to worse.  The jerk came to dinners with our families, dressed like he’d rolled out of bed, thrown on the first thing he’d stepped on, hair uncombed, unshaven, brown teeth and wreaking of weed and B.O..  We are far from wealthy but, in spite of the fact that we struggled financially, we bought him clothing as gifts with which he could wear to be presentable had he wanted to and, despite it all fitting him with his declaration that he liked it all, he refused to wear anything except his old, faded, stained, overly small, psychedelic rock t-shirts, dirty blue jeans which didn’t button or zipper properly due to his large weight gain over the past few years to even semi-formal restaurants with us and family.  To us, that showed a total lack of respect for not only us but, the family and more importantly, our daughter.  Yet, we still kept on permitting him to be with us until every last one of our family and friends had been so completely insulted by him verbally and they refused to have anything further to do with him.  Some wondered if we’d lost our minds and perhaps, we had.

The final blow came between Thanksgiving of this year and our daughter’s birthday where he had been thrown out of his own parent’s home for the final time because he became abusive with them when they refused to allow him to smoke weed at their home and our daughter, who had backed him up, was ejected with him.  The writing was on the wall then.  It became an “I’m not with my family so, I’m going to see to it that you’re not going to see yours either” type of campaign.  He pulled out a hash/weed wax vaporizer after dinner and was stopped by my husband whereupon, our daughter decided to back “his right to smoke up” then, proceeded to hurl insults at us and my brother to the point where my brother nearly hit him.  That was it.  It was done.  We’d all put up with more than enough from not only the jerk but, our daughter as well.  They left.

 

Since then, I’ve heard nothing from our daughter except for some nasty messages and texts where she has blamed us for everything that’s gone wrong in her life.  If she could have blamed the kitchen sink, she would have.  That’s how bad it had become.  She was now an “abuser” and I put a stop to every method of her being able to be in contact with me except by phone.  Since she was telling us that we were the source of her total discontent with her life, we decided that it was time to set her free totally. She’d have no other source other than the jerk she is with to blame eventually and given enough time and rope with which to hang himself.  At least, one can only hope.  Reality and honest given, neither my husband nor, myself can take anymore.  She’s become a bully, backed by a bully and we cannot take anymore without our own sanity and health going down the tubes.  As an adult, we don’t owe it to her to lose either of those precious things anymore.

We have no doubt that there is still a lot of fuel and mileage that this jerk will get in siding and coaching what our daughter thinks and does.  There’s no doubt that he pulls her strings and she is allowing him to hold onto them and do the dancing.  Her words do not sound like hers but rather, versions of his thinking.  It’s sounding and seeming almost as though he’s either written these messages for her or, she’s become so “enmeshed” with him that she no longer can find herself.

The main point behind the idea of enmeshment is that there are no personal boundaries and therefore, there is a loss of self.   If they can’t find their own boundaries, they will set their lines with you, according to the other person’s call instead.

Is your child in an enmeshed relationship?

“Those in an enmeshed relationship come to depend the other enmeshed person for their identity. They become so lost that they lose, or fail to develop, their sense of self.

An enmeshed person depends on the person their enmeshed with for their self-worth.”

Does your child, even adult child, appear to have left their personality by the way-side for the most part and has taken on their “other half’s” personality, habits, hobbies, manner of speaking and mannerisms to some real extent or another?

Do you not really recognize who your child is and can see that they are putting up with things or circumstances that you know they wouldn’t normally permit or want in their lives?

Are they becoming increasingly isolated from their old or own friends and making the other person’s friends and family theirs, instead?

Has your once happy child, decided that their entire childhood was nothing but, a farce or was bad for them?

Is your child seemingly finding more ways to match their childhood with that of their partner’s even though it’s incorrect to you and others who watched your child during those years?

Have they been finding ways to protect their relationship, even if it means distancing themselves from those who have loved them most throughout their lives or up until this person entered their lives?

Are you finding yourself being pushed aside in favour of the spouses/partner’s/girlfriend/boyfriend’s family?

Is your contact with your child more limited and only under certain terms or conditions?

Does your child allow their partner to speak up for them mostly or when they do speak for themselves, are you finding it sounding more like the other person than your child?

There are plenty more examples to give you hints but, if you’re noticing some or all of the above, you may be dealing with a child who has become enmeshed with their partner/boyfriend/girlfriend.  While you may not be able to get your child out of it, certainly suggesting professional therapy in some form or another for both your child or yourself is certainly a good step forward.  If nothing else, it’s up to you to set your own boundaries with your child.  You don’t need to allow them to abuse you or treat you wrongly.  Remember…this is their issue, not yours and at a certain point, it’s up to them to figure out the consequences and remove themselves from the situation.  You can only encourage them to set boundaries for themselves while setting your own.

At least, that’s been my experience thus far from my little corner of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheech And Chong Have Nothing Over My Daughter’s Boyfriend Sadly

Maybe my tastes in people are different.  Perhaps I’m not as tolerant as I should be but, I don’t find a chronic Pothead, attractive in any way and cannot see what it is that my daughter sees in her boyfriend who smokes up from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning until he shuts his eyes at night. He literally lights his life up in smoke like Cheech and Chong.

Potheads justify their chronic weed use by telling everyone it

Potheads justify their chronic weed use by telling everyone it “cures” everything. Weed, the wonder drug.

It might be just me but, I cannot fathom how it is that she can look at this jerk and see anything in him that she can take forward with her into her future except a major dependent headache.  He’s not a teenager either.  He’s going towards 35 years of age.

Since they first met about 7 years ago, he’s put on about 80 or so pounds or more.  His idea of exercise is walking from the couch to the fridge or having to go to the bathroom and even that might be too much a lot of the time.  His clothes are all far too small for him. His now huge belly sticks out from under his faded psychedelic/rock t-shirts and he cannot do up the top button on his pants. “The Munchies” have taken their toll.  What’s worse is that the guy will not wear new clothes that do fit him or are appropriate to the situation.  I can’t describe the nose-dive my stomach does, seeing him enter a fancy restaurant where everyone else is dressed up and he walks in wearing a worn-out, faded, ill-fitting, rock or psychedelic t-shirt and a pair of dirty or wrinkled, worn-out blue jeans, undone half way down the zipper, hair un-combed, stinking to high heavens, un-shaven, brown teeth, looking like he’d just rolled out of bed and stumbled into the car.

He wreaks of weed and body odour. If you’re unfortunate enough to get seated beside him at a meal and caught in the down-draft in a restaurant or anywhere else for that matter, your eyes would tear up from gagging. I’d be willing to bet that taking a shower or changing his clothes is a low priority, likely coming in behind rolling and lighting his next joint and eating the crumbs he’s dropped for the 17th time in 20 minutes, off of his shirt.  In other words, he lacks the ability to care about himself or anyone else’s feelings for that matter.

His greatest ambition in Life is to pass Level 3 in some video game or to download 200 more Psychedelic Rock songs onto his computer while wondering why it keeps crashing or gets locked up with viruses. He lives his home life, sitting beside a garbage can, situated in front of the couch, likely so that he doesn’t have to move his ample reared and belly to dump his rolled joint clippings and munchie wrappers.

The hint that weed has been smoked...left over wrappers that they won't pick up.

The hint that weed has been smoked…left over wrappers that they won’t pick up.

His snoring is so bad that my daughter regularly has to sleep on the living room couch, which has springs coming through the bottom of the cushions and has been compacted by his fat ass, planted to watch downloaded documentaries on the virtues of marijuana or conspiracy theories.  I think if I hear her say that she’s “so tired” and “didn’t get much sleep” one more time, I’m going to choke her as she complains about not only the couch she has to sleep on but, also the fact that he’s up several times a night to rummage through cupboards looking to eat chocolate and other goodies.  She has complained on many occasions that she has to spend her getting ready for work time the next morning, picking up empty wrappers as well as half drank glasses of iced tea and milk he’s left behind.  All of this is beside a mattress, placed on the floor due to what we can only guess has been taken off of its frame because either he keeps falling out of bed or because he’s put on a lot of weight due to the marijuana munchies.  It doesn’t matter how you look at it.  It’s the weed.

All of that is not to top the apartment he chose for them to live in which is being over-paid-for, falling apart from the ground up, so tiny you could spit from one end to the other (and I wouldn’t put it past him to have done it), furniture that’s second hand or from a damaged goods department of a furniture store and lays in the middle of a wealthier area because he needed to be in the middle of the most expensive part of town due to his champagne tastes on a beer budget.  It’s not cheap to be a Pothead with the cost of it as well as not working fully.

Since she moved out or our home and in with him, she’s gone through all of her substantial savings, works full time at a job she hates but, keeps because he’s gone from a somewhat liveable salary in working for family to one that barely makes ends meet.  It’s only by the grace of his family that he even has a job at all as he smokes up all day long and rarely works a full week or a full day if he makes it to work at all.  We won’t get into the credit card debt that he’s always been in and has wracked up past his earlobes.  I’m sure his weed, his vape pens, weed and hash wax/oils and other crap he seems to need with him at all times to keep his high going cuts a wide swath in his pay every month.  I’m wondering what the 30 bottles of cologne he had stashed everywhere as a cover-up for the weed smell cost him.  I guess he can’t afford those anymore and, while I wish that he’d go back to using it because it at least, somewhat masked his nauseating stench, I’m not having asthma-like attacks from the abundance of it anymore.  My gag reflex has returned with a vengeance though.

The brain cells have eroded and he couldn't even pass a urine test.

The brain cells have eroded and he couldn’t even pass a urine test.

Conversations over dinner tables with him can often turn nasty.  HIs abrasive, obnoxious, opinionated and oftentimes, rude comments leaves the family wondering if our daughter has also become brain dead or whether she has simply acclimated herself so well to his spiels and outbursts that she’s lost track of where he ends and she begins.  There’s no room for shades of grey in his mind, it seems.  There’s only what he considers as blacks and whites which gives zero room for discussion or debate.  He’s right and the rest of the world is wrong.  If he’s not agreed with, he’ll simply smoke another reefer and try to convince my daughter (or whomever else will listen to him) that her brain cells have eroded until she acquiesces or gives up in defeat.  I wonder what they talk about during dinner but, I’m assuming his mouth is rammed so full that there’s no chance for any sort of banter.  Either that or, they eat in front of the single working computer left that he hasn’t crashed, on a coffee table where they watch what he’s downloaded or a link to a streaming site.

While he can extol the virtues of pot usage like he’s memorized a script written by all recreational pot users and tell us why it should be legalized (must be to save postage from his purchases of it over the net as he doesn’t even have enough ambition, energy or drive to go out and purchase it), he’s smacked up a couple of cars his father has paid for through the company and cites road conditions for the bang-ups which include cars having been written off.  We have no idea how he gets away with those excuses when his family all know he’s a stoner and does it all day, including while driving.

No problem with smoking weed....only running out of it becomes an issue.

No problem with smoking weed….only running out of it becomes an issue.

What’s hardest to fathom is why she stays with him when they live in a hand-to-mouth fashion, have no friends (little wonder), can’t afford to do more than hit a few smaller venue rock concerts now and again, no one able to tolerate him, including his own family who has ousted both of them because of his behaviour and, even I have lost patience in hoping she’ll some day wake up and realize that what she’s got right now with him, is the best that he’s going to be able to offer her in every way of both his being and their lives together.  With zero drive or determination to better his lot in life, whatever small urge he has had to make a change in any way, simply goes up in smoke with the next joint.

It’s equally hard to get a grasp on how it is that our daughter, once a beaming, beautiful, well dressed, well kept, intelligent, driven, ambitious woman with a university degree, can stand there and introduce this grade 12 drop-out, dressed like he lives in a gutter, unkempt, un-shaven, tub of hot air, lard-bucket and say, “this is my boyfriend” without wanting to cringe and hide.  Even I choke on the words when forced to introduce him to others as our daughter’s choice in mates and do it as little as possible.  I try to simply use his name, instead.

The most difficult of all is to have watched our daughter not only become someone else over the time she’s been with him….someone we don’t even recognize anymore but, more  key is the idea that she’s not seeing that not only has she, herself gone downhill and let herself slide but, that her entire future looks pretty dismal as well as issue-riddled.  It’s no going to get any better.  If the good foot forward has already been presented as they say, this foot is looking like it’s going to take her off of her feet.  Heaven forbid that there should be a child ever brought into this world by the 2 of them as even taking care of a cat has become too much for him, mentally, emotionally, patience and financially.  Stepping up to the plate to become a parent is just not in his deck of cards.  His next smoke-up is his biggest goal.

Needless to say, our family only tolerates him because it means that she’ll walk on us if we don’t.  She’s done it already for over a year at one point.  This guy knows her weak spots and he preys on them, works with them and manipulates her into his clutches.  He’s good at it and I can see the wheels turning in his brain as he does it.  With no friends, his own family unable to stand him or even tolerate him much, she is his only ally and he’s not about to let her go as long as he can keep reeling her in again.

The latest attempt was when she was close to walking out on him and the relationship.  She gave him an ultimatum to clean up his act, get another job, get their debt paid down and into another decent apartment that had 2 bedrooms where she could actually sleep in a bed versus a broken down couch.  Unwilling to make any changes to his life, he agreed that they needed to get another apartment when he knew that they couldn’t afford first and last month’s rent, let alone another bed for another bedroom.  She came to us for money for it all.  He knew that if they moved, they’d have to sign another year’s lease which would likely keep her as she couldn’t afford to buy out the remainder of that lease as he was working less and less with his salary going down and his father having fired him on several occasions, only to have him talk himself back into an even lower position out of guilt from his father and brother.  We weren’t falling for that one.  She might have but, we weren’t going to be that stupid.

I’d like to say that him smoking up and being lazy is a teenaged, early 20-something thing but, it’s not.  He’s nearing 35 years of age and she’s nearly 33.  It’s doubtful that this is simply a sew-your-oats type of stance at this age. After over 6 years of co-habitating under these conditions, it should have long since run its course but doesn’t seem to be slowing down, going sour or wearing thin.

There’s a lot of information out there on the alleged benefits of marijuana but there’s a lot of downsides to it as well.  While this guy complains bitterly about people who drink alcohol and calls them “mentally ill”, he refuses to see that his pot consumption is little more than an alternate high for him.  It’s not medicinal.  It’s used to escape his own demons and done chronically.  It’s akin to a drinker having to have a drink every few hours.   It’s an escape that is taking not only him down in life but, my daughter with him.

Can I place full blame on him and his weed consumption, exempting my daughter from this? No, I can’t.  She’s as much to blame for letting herself get this far caught up in a lifestyle that’s going nowhere good and, makes her future look like a dismal abyss.  This not how we wanted to see her end up but, this is exactly the way that it’s going.

Yes, he’s a glorious piece of work.  A real beauty to behold and yet…we are stuck with him for the time-being but, my daughter is the biggest loser of all by wasting her life at this precious time where most of her friends have moved forward like adults and she’s still living the Frat Life with a Loser, Pothead.  Sad but, true and, there’s nothing that I can do about it.  It’s a form of an abusive relationship through manipulation and drugs.

If your son or daughter comes home with a stoner…show them the door and let the knob hit them in the ass on the way out.  No get out of jail free card for them or you’ll be walking my tight-rope too.

From my little corner of life…this issue riddled jerk and sorry excuse of a human being is giving marijuana a bad name.  Then, again…isn’t every stoner-Pothead?

PS: If you’re thinking on commenting on this piece and trying to convince me of the alleged uses of marijuana or how it allegedly cures cancer, seizures and other ailments…please don’t.  I’ve heard it all and this entry is NOT meant to be about its medicinal uses.  

Thanks for understanding and saving me the hassle of having to wade through comments that I won’t be publishing if they’re extolling the virtues of marijuana and why or, telling (as most recreational pot users do) me to “do the research”.