Helping Can Become An Addiction Or An Escape

Helping others is a noble cause and more often than not, people need and want help to some extent or another but, when it becomes a habit within oneself it’s no longer about helping but, rather an outward expression of how one is feeling about themselves internally.

There’s a pay-off for chronic helpers in many ways but, there are two main reasons why people can get caught up in a vicious help cycle and it can become an addiction.  For some people, helping is like needing a “fix”.

Help Addictions can become an escape method.

Help Addictions can become an escape method.

 First, chronic helping can help us divert our attention away from dealing with something within either ourselves or our lives.  In other words, instead of working on what ails us and our own lives, we have the excuse, “I never get around to taking care of that because I am so busy helping (fill in the blanks here).  It can become an escape or an excuse or both and, that stops us from having to deal with our own issues.

Secondly, it can become a method by which we try to feel loved, wanted and, or needed by others.  If we are helping others, they will like us, thank us and want us around them type thinking.

In either case above, the chronic helper is not quite as healthy or altruistic as one might believe.  Even on a subconscious level, possibly totally unbeknownst to us, there’s something in it for those of us who do it.

It took a long time for me to get the idea that helping others is no guarantee of being loved, liked or wanted nor, is it truly an escape from having to fix what is going wrong within ourselves or our own lives.

I endured a lot of hurt, rejection and internal feelings of inadequacy, driving me even more towards more helping…until I realized that the source of my pain was actually coming from my chronic feeling the need to help.  I wasn’t feeling good anymore about it but rather, it was bringing me more pain.

Why?  That was the question I had to ask myself and I went in search of answers with a shocking set of revelations.

Helping Too Much Can Cause Rejection From Others 

Contrary to popular belief, what is called “Karma” doesn’t exactly work the way that one would think or hope that it should.  Doing good doesn’t alway bring good into your life.

Helping others can actually drive people away from you.  Here are several different reasons how and why.

  • People like what you DO for them, not necessarily, you.
  • The people that you help on a regular basis will eventually get used to you doing for them and therefore, come to see your help as your “job”. At that point, your help is no longer truly appreciated but, they become complacent and expect that type of behaviour from you.
  • Those you have helped often enough, will eventually show a vulnerability within  themselves to you and the last person that they want around them are those who know their weaknesses. They will seek out others who aren’t aware of them being weak in any way especially, during the good times in their lives.
  • Chronic helping can lead others to see you as a doormat.  When you are readily and frequently ready to help them, people can come to feel that you have no life of your own so, they no longer respect your time, energy or effort.  In effect, it’s like they’re doing you a favour by giving you something to do with your days, time and energy.
  • Being available and giving to them on a regular basis, without return expectation or as a constant set of favours, gives the impression that you have no boundaries.  If you have none, why should they respect you.  People like and respect people who like and respect themselves.
  • Your help can be resented because the person tends to feel constantly indebted even if only on a subconscious level and without you having indicated that you expected anything in return.  No one likes feeling continually indebted to someone else.

Ways To Deal With The Need To Chronic Help

  • Ask yourself what you are getting out of helping others.  You’re getting something out of doing this. Is it that “feel good feeling”?  If so, you might need to break that feeling down a bit further.
  • Helping others makes us all feel good but, doing it on a regular or chronic basis, may be becoming a a “drug” of sorts to numb or squash what ails you and your life.
  • Ask yourself what it is that is going on within yourself or your life that gives you the longing for this “drug”.  Is it approval, love, companionship, being needed, wanted, or even wanting people to feel indebted to you to in order to keep their loyalty.
  • Are you avoiding fixing issues within your own life and using helping others as an excuse as to why you can’t get to repairing what is wrong?
  • Could you be feeling guilty that someone else is in trouble of some kind and you’re soothing your own feelings of guilt for being ok in your own life in some way?
  • Are you too empathetic and over-identifying with other people?
  • Once you’ve weeded through the possible causes that keep you hooked on being a Chronic Helper, you can take action towards halting your need for over-helping.

Breaking The Cycle And Why You Should

The “warm and fuzzys” that we all feel when we get “thank you’s” from others is a great feeling.  We all love to feel good about ourselves, appreciated, needed and wanted.  It’s part of human nature and helping others is a good thing but, only when done in moderation and for the right reasons.  When we do it to garner love, attention, affection, being needed, wanted, liked or to avoid facing our own demons/quelling them, we are putting ourselves into a position to be used, abused, hurt and rejected.  Here are some points to help.

  1. Once you have identified the reason that you feel the need to chronically help.  STOP and listen to yourself and your inner voice.
  2. People like and respect people who like and respect themselves. We teach others how to treat us.  If you’re not respecting yourself, your time or your energy, they won’t either.  Put up boundaries and conditions for yourself and others.  Stop yourself before you try to help and place a value upon your help for them and yourself.
  3. Limit the amount of time that you’re going to help and what you will do to help.  Remember, their lives are NOT your responsibility (unless you’re a caregiver for a child, infirm or elderly person/pet.  Even then, give yourself time for yourself and respect your own needs too).
  4. If you’re doing it because you want to be liked, loved, appreciated, wanted, needed, are lonely or anything along those lines, this isn’t the way to get any of that for more than a couple of times.  Remember, people start loving what you can do for them, not you, after awhile. You’re working against getting those needs met by attempting to achieve it via chronic helping.
  5. Ask for something in return for your help if it’s more than once or twice. People respect help more when it’s being paid for in some way or another and they’ll respect you for it too.
  6. If you love that warm and fuzzy feeling helping gives you, volunteer!  There are charities all over the world and all sorts of opportunities to help others in organized, time-limited ways where you can get that feeling but be cut off in appropriate and healthy amounts.  Don’t volunteer more than what is being asked for either.
  7. Remember that sometimes, chronic helpers actually push their help on others..even when it’s not wanted.  When someone says, “it’s ok”…trust them.  It’s ok.  They don’t want or need your help.  Save yourself some heartache and possibly nasty feelings from others.  Back off and let them do it themselves.
  8. WAIT to be asked for help then, ask yourself what it will cost you to help them.  If it’s only once in a long while that you’re being asked and it’s not taking away from you, do it but, don’t anticipate everyone’s possible needs and offer it up on a silver platter.
  9. Remember that some people like being in certain predicaments and don’t want to get out of them.  When you recognize that in someone, back off. Let them be where they are.  They are getting something out of being there. Let them have it and figure it out for themselves.
  10. You’re not the only fish in the sea who can help.  Realize that and recognize that everyone has lessons to learn in one way or another.  Some people need to learn how to help themselves and others need to learn how to help others.  Let people learn what they need to learn.  You’re not a deity nor, omnipotent. Everyone needs to learn something, somehow.  Even children need to fall, get burned, hurt, lost etc., to learn what NOT to do and what to do.  Don’t take away their learning curves from them.

The Meddler, The Dupe And The Martyr

Lastly, think to yourself as having been labelled for helping others too much.  A lot of people will look at those who are chronic helpers as either “The Meddler”, “The Dupe” or “The Martyr”.

When people help too much, they often know a lot about the person’s personal life and, when not wanted, it turns you into a meddling position in their minds.  They can see you as someone who wants into their minds and lives especially, if you’re pushing your help onto them.

The Dupe is the one that people often think of as “good ole so-and-so” and often follow that with an “I’ll get her/him to do it!”  That’s when you’ve become nothing more than a doormat for them.  You don’t mean anything to them other than as a vehicle to get their needs met.  They’ll be off with other friends or family for lunch, dinner and shows who have done little, if anything for them while you’re left scratching your head, wondering why.  You’ve been “duped”.

The Martyr is the person who does so much for everyone else that others are reminded (whether you do it or not) that they’ve done a lot for that person or many.  Guilt sets in that they’ve allowed you to do it all for them and suddenly, they’re feeling inferior or as though you’re superior to them.  No one likes to be around people who make them feel that way whether intentionally or through their own inner thoughts and feelings.  You’re out of any of the good times or any lasting, healthy, fun and good relationship with them if you continue on with it.

Learn to love yourself.  Help yourself first.  Put your own oxygen mask on first.  To thine own self be true.  Charity begins at home.  Old but, wise pieces of advice to take. Take care of you first and others will follow suit with you.

I’m not a trained professional of any kind so, this is just how I’m seeing things from my little corner of life through experience and learning.

It’s A Wonderful Life When You’re On Facebook

Does Facebook make you feel as though your life isn't as good as everyone else's?

Does Facebook make you feel as though your life isn’t as good as everyone else’s?

Have you ever felt like your life sucks and everyone else’s is somehow the epitome of perfection while going through your home feeds on Facebook?  Everyone’s lives look happy, rose coloured and feel like it needs a sound track with birds chirping, people skipping and singing.  Your “friends” are all posting photos of perfect children and grandchildren, parties, dinners, vacations, selfies with groups in beautiful places.  Suddenly, your life feels like it’s gone to hell in a hand-basket and you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong because your world now seems small.

Let me assure you of one thing here.  Facebook isn’t reality.

Here’s a few things you should know that should help make you look at Facebook a little differently.

 “Bullshit Artists”

If you’ve ever felt like your life sucks because your Facebook friends all seem to be doing something exciting or, because they seem to have themselves and their lives together, you can stop right there.  Your life is really no different than theirs.  The only thing that differs is that they’ve taken and posted a few more selfies than you have and they’re just better at how they present themselves and their lives.  They’ve learned the art of taking photos of bagels with cream cheese with their cell phones and giving it a grandiose story to go with it.  They’ve bypassed all that’s going wrong in their lives in favour of posting jokes or being inventive in how they’ve phrased their status updates.  They’ve created ways to present ordinary, everyday events and make it seem like they’re part of Dirty Dancing and are having the time of their lives.  In other words, they’ve become “Bullshit Artists” and you haven’t mastered it quite as well.

Avoiding The Negatives In Their Lives 

Not many people go onto Facebook and admit that their lives are filled with crap.  Social media is a venue whereby, people present their lives as though they don’t have a problem in the world.  After all, how many people go onto Facebook to read about everyone else’s problems?  By being selective as to what they post, people can make their lives look happy and themselves, well adjusted.  It’s what they don’t post that tells you the other half or more of their stories.

How many people have you seen whose walls look like they came out of a Normal Rockwell painting but, have talked to them in private or over the phone and know that they’re not at all happy in their lives?  If you haven’t seen that, drop those people a line or two in a private message or via email.  Pick up the phone and call them or, invite them to meet you for coffee one day if you live close enough to one another.  If you’re perceptive enough, you’ll get the gist that their lives just aren’t what they seem on Facebook.  That’s a guarantee because no one is without problems.  They have simply avoided posting the negatives in their lives on Facebook.

Happy Friends And Family 

The ultimate measure of a person’s life would appear to be the smiling faces and sheer numbers of people in a person’s life.  One could be envious of those who seem to have endless family, friends and happy smiles in photos on Facebook.  It could make those who are less family and friend endowed, feel as though they’ve somehow failed in Life because they have few photos to post of themselves with family and friends by comparison.  However, if you were able to listen to the storied behind the multitude of people who seem to grace their lives, you’d also find a plethora of gripes, groans, moans and complaints about those same people who are beaming with teeth showing through those smiles.  You would also find that there’s been tears, fears, worries, headaches and rejections that go along with all of those faces in those photos.  Never judge a relationship by their smiles in photos.  No one’s family is that happy and no friendship comes without issues.  No one goes un-talked about in a negative light.  Nothing is what it seems in those captured moments of what appears like total bliss.

Party On, Dudes

It’s Saturday night and you’re sitting at home, in front of your computer, looking at Facebook while dozens of photos and status updates come through on the Home Feeds of people out, dancing, drinking or seemingly, having fun.  Where’s your fun?  Why are you at home while everyone else seems to be out with others, enjoying themselves?  What are you doing wrong?

Everyone at some point, gets time out of the house to be with others or, you have someone or several people over to your place.  It may not be every weekend and it may not be with large groups of people but, the truth is, you’ve gone out too.  The difference is, these people have an obsession with turning every moment that they’re out, into a photo-op to post to Facebook and you haven’t done that but, they have.  They will grab every opportunity to grab a photo of the people around them and with them.  Some people in their photos, they’ve just met through other people or, they’ve learned to get people into photos by hamming it up and turning it into a joke.  Are their entire evenings like that?  Likely not.

If you’d like to have photos to post to your wall, wait until you’re with at least one other person, at home or out and get “goofy” while snapping pictures of those moments and posting them to Facebook.  Add a caption about what a great visit or time you had to it and post them.  You too, will have instant Party Time that looks great on any Facebook wall.


“Emily and I out having a great afternoon”


Turning Ordinary Everyday Events Into Something News Worthy 

People in Facebookland have also learned how to turn even the most mundane of daily things into something worthy of posting on Facebook.  It fills in a lot of gaps in their lives that would normally be left gaping holes were it not for how they made it look somehow glamorous.

Take this photo for instance.


Ok, it’s a photo of a pot of pasta or spaghetti sauce.  It’s nothing special.  We all have our favourite recipes or we’re really good at opening a jar and throwing it into a pot to heat up, right?

The above is true but, in Facebookland, it’s no ordinary pot of sauce that you’ve made (store bought or homemade or not…remember, it’s what you omit that makes the story seem interesting).  This is your masterpiece and you’re happy about it.  Try adding that photo to your Facebook wall as a status and add in what was happening or what you were doing or who was around you at the time you were making it.  Talk about something else that you accomplished during the day before you made that sauce or what you’re going to watch on tv after you’ve had it and suddenly…you have a life!

This photo could be posted to your wall with a status update like:

“Yummy!  My freshly made pasta sauce to go with garlic bread for dinner tonight. I’m looking forward to curling up with my favourite pyjamas, a blanket and binge watching Sons of Anarchy on Crave TV tonight.”  

Suddenly, not only do you have something good to eat but, you’re a good cook and have a well planned, cozy evening to look forward to.

It’s all tricks.  It’s all omissions.  It’s all just how you present yourself and your life that makes your life feel, seem and be fuller if that’s what you’re into and want to do.

If not, just realize that no one’s life is as lopsidedly good as what it appears on Facebook.  Everyone has lonely moments, cries, has problems, fights with friends and family, nowhere to go and no one to go with.  You’re not failing at Life anymore than anyone else is nor, is your life worse than anyone else’s for the most part.  You’re ok.  Facebook can simply make it seem like you’re not and cause a lot of depression in people if you’re not of the right frame of mind and seeing it for what it is….non-reality based life.

Gilmore Girls Fans Rejoice As There Could Be The Show’s Revival Coming!

Far be-it from me to spread a rumour that may not be true but, even Times has written it so, could it be true that Netflix, in conjunction with Warner Brothers, the original series owners, are working together to bring about a Netflix GILMORE GIRLS revival?  At least, so say the entertainment news makers.

Could it be?  Please say it’s so.

gilmore girls cast

It’s been 15 years since the first episode of Gilmore Girls first aired.  The series was a hit and lasted 7 seasons but, quickly ended with a rather un-satisfying ending one season after writer-producer team, husband and wife Dan and Amy Sherman-Pallidino ended up in a bitter conflict with WB’s over contracts and never got to finish writing the final season. Instead, it ended with wires left hanging and fans, unsatisfied, wanting more and wanting it done properly as had been done with Sherman-Paladino at the helm, writing it.  WB pulled the plug and that was that.

For fans of the show, all that’s been left are a boxed set or re-runs where they can be found.  Many of us have watched the same episodes over and over so many times that we can recite quirky lines made by the fast talking, coffee addicted, hyper mother-daughter duo, Lorelai and Rory Gilmore.  Women longed to see grumpy, edgy but, good hearted Luke and Lorelai finally get together after watching them for 7 seasons with longing to be both of them.  More of us wanted to move to Stars Hollow and become one of the looney town folk that graced out televisions week after week.  Most of all, a lot of us, sat with our own daughters, making every week an evening to sit together for that hour and bringing us together with eagerness to watch the show.  Though it’s been 8 years and a lot of our daughters are now packing lives of their own, that longing to see this cast together again has not left either mothers nor daughters.  We all want more.

Actor, Edward Hermann passed away last year so, the character of Richard Gilmore would not be able to be carried forward.  That leaves a hole in the cast of characters and in our hears in real life.  However, it’s easily gotten around as writers had uncannily written in a heart attack for Richard Gilmore during one season and it would be simple for them to fast forward the 8 missing years with a gap and have that line extended to be a plausible explanation for the character’s departure in the show as well as his untimely and horridly sad loss in real life.

As many will remember, the plot line was left wide open for imagination.

Rory was leaving to become a political journalist on the president’s team.  Luke and Lorelai had exchanged a kiss in what fans might believe would be the beginning of their relationship again.  Rory’s refusal of marriage to Logan left her boyfriend situation fully open to old flames and the return of Jess or Dean.  Nothing was done with the rest of the characters in Stars Hollow, the small town in Connecticut that fans had loved to love.

So, what could be done?

For one, that 8 year gap could easily be brought forward to present day.  Sherman-Palidino had worried that Gilmore Girls couldn’t survive in today’s television environment but, fans beg to differ.

Richard Gilmore, having had one heart attack a couple of seasons prior to the shows final season, could have suffered a second, fatal hear attack.  The opening could be Rory returning for her grandfather’s funeral to be with her mother and grandmother.

Luke and Lorelai might have gone on to a relationship or, they could have separated again as had been their M.O. for the entire series.  That sexual tension could still be there and as some fans have said, might have made the show worth watching because everyone waited to see them together.  The pair could re-ignite their passion when Luke hears about Lorelai’s loss and comes to the funeral.

Yes, that would leave Emily a Widow but, it could also make for an exciting story line as Emily has “suitors” coming around eventually or, she could want to take over Richard’s business and run it.

Since the role of Sookie St. James, likely wouldn’t be revived since actress, Melissa McCarthy’s stardom has sky-rocketed, Lorelai could sell off the Inn they owned and ran to help Emily run the father’s business or, Richard could have left the biz to Lorelai since she’d worked with him and for him in one season for a few episodes.  That would leave her face to face with her mother again, a business woman in a modern business as a company owner, along with the trials and tribulations of both.

Rory, having been on her own for these years, could have had another boyfriend and drops him when she comes back to town and is wooed by Luke’s nephew, Jess again, falling slowly for him all over again as also an author (fans will remember him having written and published a book before his departure from the show).  Perhaps, together, they start their own newspaper.  The door is wide open for this plot line and Rory’s, depending on which of her former beaus will be able to return to the show, given any current contracts they’re under.

Luke could have expanded his restaurant into a chain and become quite successful needing Lorelai’s help.

The sky is the limit with this cast of characters and their plot lines as it was left wide open when it ended, unfinished.

So, from one fan, to I’m sure…many more…may these rumours be true and may Netflix, WB and Amy Sherman-Palidino see the light in how many fans they have just praying for a show revival.

At least, that’s how I’m seeing things from my little corner of life and I’m sure…so is everyone else from what I’ve been reading in comments all over the net.

Cheech And Chong Have Nothing Over My Daughter’s Boyfriend Sadly

Maybe my tastes in people are different.  Perhaps I’m not as tolerant as I should be but, I don’t find a chronic Pothead, attractive in any way and cannot see what it is that my daughter sees in her boyfriend who smokes up from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning until he shuts his eyes at night. He literally lights his life up in smoke like Cheech and Chong.

Potheads justify their chronic weed use by telling everyone it

Potheads justify their chronic weed use by telling everyone it “cures” everything. Weed, the wonder drug.

It might be just me but, I cannot fathom how it is that she can look at this jerk and see anything in him that she can take forward with her into her future except a major dependent headache.  He’s not a teenager either.  He’s going towards 35 years of age.

Since they first met about 7 years ago, he’s put on about 80 or so pounds or more.  His idea of exercise is walking from the couch to the fridge or having to go to the bathroom and even that might be too much a lot of the time.  His clothes are all far too small for him. His now huge belly sticks out from under his faded psychedelic/rock t-shirts and he cannot do up the top button on his pants. “The Munchies” have taken their toll.  What’s worse is that the guy will not wear new clothes that do fit him or are appropriate to the situation.  I can’t describe the nose-dive my stomach does, seeing him enter a fancy restaurant where everyone else is dressed up and he walks in wearing a worn-out, faded, ill-fitting, rock or psychedelic t-shirt and a pair of dirty or wrinkled, worn-out blue jeans, undone half way down the zipper, hair un-combed, stinking to high heavens, un-shaven, brown teeth, looking like he’d just rolled out of bed and stumbled into the car.

He wreaks of weed and body odour. If you’re unfortunate enough to get seated beside him at a meal and caught in the down-draft in a restaurant or anywhere else for that matter, your eyes would tear up from gagging. I’d be willing to bet that taking a shower or changing his clothes is a low priority, likely coming in behind rolling and lighting his next joint and eating the crumbs he’s dropped for the 17th time in 20 minutes, off of his shirt.  In other words, he lacks the ability to care about himself or anyone else’s feelings for that matter.

His greatest ambition in Life is to pass Level 3 in some video game or to download 200 more Psychedelic Rock songs onto his computer while wondering why it keeps crashing or gets locked up with viruses. He lives his home life, sitting beside a garbage can, situated in front of the couch, likely so that he doesn’t have to move his ample reared and belly to dump his rolled joint clippings and munchie wrappers.

The hint that weed has been smoked...left over wrappers that they won't pick up.

The hint that weed has been smoked…left over wrappers that they won’t pick up.

His snoring is so bad that my daughter regularly has to sleep on the living room couch, which has springs coming through the bottom of the cushions and has been compacted by his fat ass, planted to watch downloaded documentaries on the virtues of marijuana or conspiracy theories.  I think if I hear her say that she’s “so tired” and “didn’t get much sleep” one more time, I’m going to choke her as she complains about not only the couch she has to sleep on but, also the fact that he’s up several times a night to rummage through cupboards looking to eat chocolate and other goodies.  She has complained on many occasions that she has to spend her getting ready for work time the next morning, picking up empty wrappers as well as half drank glasses of iced tea and milk he’s left behind.  All of this is beside a mattress, placed on the floor due to what we can only guess has been taken off of its frame because either he keeps falling out of bed or because he’s put on a lot of weight due to the marijuana munchies.  It doesn’t matter how you look at it.  It’s the weed.

All of that is not to top the apartment he chose for them to live in which is being over-paid-for, falling apart from the ground up, so tiny you could spit from one end to the other (and I wouldn’t put it past him to have done it), furniture that’s second hand or from a damaged goods department of a furniture store and lays in the middle of a wealthier area because he needed to be in the middle of the most expensive part of town due to his champagne tastes on a beer budget.  It’s not cheap to be a Pothead with the cost of it as well as not working fully.

Since she moved out or our home and in with him, she’s gone through all of her substantial savings, works full time at a job she hates but, keeps because he’s gone from a somewhat liveable salary in working for family to one that barely makes ends meet.  It’s only by the grace of his family that he even has a job at all as he smokes up all day long and rarely works a full week or a full day if he makes it to work at all.  We won’t get into the credit card debt that he’s always been in and has wracked up past his earlobes.  I’m sure his weed, his vape pens, weed and hash wax/oils and other crap he seems to need with him at all times to keep his high going cuts a wide swath in his pay every month.  I’m wondering what the 30 bottles of cologne he had stashed everywhere as a cover-up for the weed smell cost him.  I guess he can’t afford those anymore and, while I wish that he’d go back to using it because it at least, somewhat masked his nauseating stench, I’m not having asthma-like attacks from the abundance of it anymore.  My gag reflex has returned with a vengeance though.

The brain cells have eroded and he couldn't even pass a urine test.

The brain cells have eroded and he couldn’t even pass a urine test.

Conversations over dinner tables with him can often turn nasty.  HIs abrasive, obnoxious, opinionated and oftentimes, rude comments leaves the family wondering if our daughter has also become brain dead or whether she has simply acclimated herself so well to his spiels and outbursts that she’s lost track of where he ends and she begins.  There’s no room for shades of grey in his mind, it seems.  There’s only what he considers as blacks and whites which gives zero room for discussion or debate.  He’s right and the rest of the world is wrong.  If he’s not agreed with, he’ll simply smoke another reefer and try to convince my daughter (or whomever else will listen to him) that her brain cells have eroded until she acquiesces or gives up in defeat.  I wonder what they talk about during dinner but, I’m assuming his mouth is rammed so full that there’s no chance for any sort of banter.  Either that or, they eat in front of the single working computer left that he hasn’t crashed, on a coffee table where they watch what he’s downloaded or a link to a streaming site.

While he can extol the virtues of pot usage like he’s memorized a script written by all recreational pot users and tell us why it should be legalized (must be to save postage from his purchases of it over the net as he doesn’t even have enough ambition, energy or drive to go out and purchase it), he’s smacked up a couple of cars his father has paid for through the company and cites road conditions for the bang-ups which include cars having been written off.  We have no idea how he gets away with those excuses when his family all know he’s a stoner and does it all day, including while driving.

No problem with smoking weed....only running out of it becomes an issue.

No problem with smoking weed….only running out of it becomes an issue.

What’s hardest to fathom is why she stays with him when they live in a hand-to-mouth fashion, have no friends (little wonder), can’t afford to do more than hit a few smaller venue rock concerts now and again, no one able to tolerate him, including his own family who has ousted both of them because of his behaviour and, even I have lost patience in hoping she’ll some day wake up and realize that what she’s got right now with him, is the best that he’s going to be able to offer her in every way of both his being and their lives together.  With zero drive or determination to better his lot in life, whatever small urge he has had to make a change in any way, simply goes up in smoke with the next joint.

It’s equally hard to get a grasp on how it is that our daughter, once a beaming, beautiful, well dressed, well kept, intelligent, driven, ambitious woman with a university degree, can stand there and introduce this grade 12 drop-out, dressed like he lives in a gutter, unkempt, un-shaven, tub of hot air, lard-bucket and say, “this is my boyfriend” without wanting to cringe and hide.  Even I choke on the words when forced to introduce him to others as our daughter’s choice in mates and do it as little as possible.  I try to simply use his name, instead.

The most difficult of all is to have watched our daughter not only become someone else over the time she’s been with him….someone we don’t even recognize anymore but, more  key is the idea that she’s not seeing that not only has she, herself gone downhill and let herself slide but, that her entire future looks pretty dismal as well as issue-riddled.  It’s no going to get any better.  If the good foot forward has already been presented as they say, this foot is looking like it’s going to take her off of her feet.  Heaven forbid that there should be a child ever brought into this world by the 2 of them as even taking care of a cat has become too much for him, mentally, emotionally, patience and financially.  Stepping up to the plate to become a parent is just not in his deck of cards.  His next smoke-up is his biggest goal.

Needless to say, our family only tolerates him because it means that she’ll walk on us if we don’t.  She’s done it already for over a year at one point.  This guy knows her weak spots and he preys on them, works with them and manipulates her into his clutches.  He’s good at it and I can see the wheels turning in his brain as he does it.  With no friends, his own family unable to stand him or even tolerate him much, she is his only ally and he’s not about to let her go as long as he can keep reeling her in again.

The latest attempt was when she was close to walking out on him and the relationship.  She gave him an ultimatum to clean up his act, get another job, get their debt paid down and into another decent apartment that had 2 bedrooms where she could actually sleep in a bed versus a broken down couch.  Unwilling to make any changes to his life, he agreed that they needed to get another apartment when he knew that they couldn’t afford first and last month’s rent, let alone another bed for another bedroom.  She came to us for money for it all.  He knew that if they moved, they’d have to sign another year’s lease which would likely keep her as she couldn’t afford to buy out the remainder of that lease as he was working less and less with his salary going down and his father having fired him on several occasions, only to have him talk himself back into an even lower position out of guilt from his father and brother.  We weren’t falling for that one.  She might have but, we weren’t going to be that stupid.

I’d like to say that him smoking up and being lazy is a teenaged, early 20-something thing but, it’s not.  He’s nearing 35 years of age and she’s nearly 33.  It’s doubtful that this is simply a sew-your-oats type of stance at this age. After over 6 years of co-habitating under these conditions, it should have long since run its course but doesn’t seem to be slowing down, going sour or wearing thin.

There’s a lot of information out there on the alleged benefits of marijuana but there’s a lot of downsides to it as well.  While this guy complains bitterly about people who drink alcohol and calls them “mentally ill”, he refuses to see that his pot consumption is little more than an alternate high for him.  It’s not medicinal.  It’s used to escape his own demons and done chronically.  It’s akin to a drinker having to have a drink every few hours.   It’s an escape that is taking not only him down in life but, my daughter with him.

Can I place full blame on him and his weed consumption, exempting my daughter from this? No, I can’t.  She’s as much to blame for letting herself get this far caught up in a lifestyle that’s going nowhere good and, makes her future look like a dismal abyss.  This not how we wanted to see her end up but, this is exactly the way that it’s going.

Yes, he’s a glorious piece of work.  A real beauty to behold and yet…we are stuck with him for the time-being but, my daughter is the biggest loser of all by wasting her life at this precious time where most of her friends have moved forward like adults and she’s still living the Frat Life with a Loser, Pothead.  Sad but, true and, there’s nothing that I can do about it.  It’s a form of an abusive relationship through manipulation and drugs.

If your son or daughter comes home with a stoner…show them the door and let the knob hit them in the ass on the way out.  No get out of jail free card for them or you’ll be walking my tight-rope too.

From my little corner of life…this issue riddled jerk and sorry excuse of a human being is giving marijuana a bad name.  Then, again…isn’t every stoner-Pothead?

PS: If you’re thinking on commenting on this piece and trying to convince me of the alleged uses of marijuana or how it allegedly cures cancer, seizures and other ailments…please don’t.  I’ve heard it all and this entry is NOT meant to be about its medicinal uses.  

Thanks for understanding and saving me the hassle of having to wade through comments that I won’t be publishing if they’re extolling the virtues of marijuana and why or, telling (as most recreational pot users do) me to “do the research”.    

If You Want To Whine….

I’m going to date myself here in what I’m going to say but that’s ok.  I wear a badge of honour for my years.

Back in the 1950’s and early 1960’s, there seemed to be a line that every parent gave.  Perhaps, it was written into a Dr. Spock book somewhere but, most parents back then, didn’t put up with their child’s whining especially, in stores and would swiftly swat us when we acted up.

If you want to whine…I’ll give you something to whine about,” they’d say, ushering us out of the store or over to the side where we couldn’t bother anyone else.


Yesterday, I was in a mall shoe store, trying on shoes with the help of a friendly clerk.  The store was crowded and there was barely room to try on shoes or get past other customers.  As I bent down to try on a pair, a child ran up the aisle, knocking over boxes of shoes, swiping down displays and carrying on like a lunatic.  He was no small child who didn’t know any better.  He appeared to be around the age of 8 or so, possibly even older.

No one did a thing.  His mother and grandmother went on blissfully looking at shoes while this kid ran wild through the store, continuing to wreak havoc with not only store merchandise but, making it impossible for other shoppers to try on shoes or even look.

One brave sales clerk, dared to try to stop this little creature from his reign of terror by taking a box out of his hands, telling him it was rude and asking where his parents were.  The little monster ran to his mother, whining and screeching out whining noises that sounded like something from a horror movie.  The mother did nothing and the child returned to his antics.

At that point, another store clerk attempted a similar tactic and met with the same results. Most other shoppers at this point had stopped to stare at this Child Gone Bad in either amazement, disgust or both.

It was at that exact moment that my own parent’s words came flooding back as though they were standing right there and were it not for being put up on assault charges, I would have smacked the child upside the back of the head then, proceeded to repeat the same gesture and words with his mother and grandmother.

“If your child insists on being such a pain in the behind and, you’re not going to do anything about him…you may as well feel it like everyone else in the store is feeling it!”

Of course, I couldn’t and I didn’t but, I can tell you that it was mighty tempting.

From my little corner of life, what you put up with from your child at home is your business but, if that child is annoying the pants off of everyone else around you, either do something or expect some sort of consequence.

I would have loved to have seen that family kicked out of the store at that point but, I’m sure, like me, other customers left instead.

Sadly, I have come to truly appreciate that line that was given out so freely back in the 50’s and 60’s.  I wish more parents would learn it…or, perhaps…a t-shirt with the saying imprinted on it would serve a purpose?

A Sense of Entitlement Brings Ignorance To Developed Countries

Ignorance and a sense of entitlement. Is that what people are coming to in North America nowadays?  It’s more a time of asking “what’s in it for me and, how can I get it. Damn everyone and everything else!”


In looking around any mall or large store, one can find it flourishing in every parking lot, store or cashier line-up. It’s in the people who illegally park in non-parking spots or taking up space directly in front of the store where parking is prohibited, sitting there blindly while other cars struggle to get around them or, swearing in return when someone honks because they can’t get past.

It shines clearly through those who try to take full buggy loads through cashier lanes clearly marked as Express Lanes or, those who stand in front of jewellery, pharmacy or electronics cash registers to pay for items not from those departments, getting angry and starting a fuss if the cashiers attempt to refuse to ring through their cart full of groceries.

It’s heard in the voices of those who will scream at their kids, now having wandered 3 or 4 aisles over from them, knocking things off of shelves, destroying displays while chasing one another and tripping others, never being checked upon or reigned in by their parent or parents.

It’s in the persons who park their buggies horizontally across an aisle in a grocery store, blocking everyone else from getting up or down it while they look at the side of a can or box and ignore the lineups of those waiting to get past them.

It lays in the fingers of those in cosmetic departments who break seals on lipsticks, by-passing testers to rub lipstick onto their hand then put it back onto the display or, in those who open nail polishes and proceed to paint the shelf or signs with it like graffiti artists.

One can see it in banks where the line-ups are long and the instant tellers are being taken up by someone’s children who are punching the keys, playing on every untaken machine while their mother barely looks over or ignores what her children are doing to others, waiting.

It lays in the clothing, knocked off of racks then, stepped on or rolled over with buggies as they walk away, leaving what they’ve destroyed behind them.

If that isn’t enough, it’s found in those who don’t ever use the words, “please” or “thank you” when someone has gone out of their way to be courteous or polite to them.

How about having to listen to someone’s entire conversation on a cell phone while waiting quietly in a doctor’s office or other quiet place or, their ringers going off and them not answering it but, not shutting the ringer or notifications off either.

There’s an endless list of things that people do or don’t do that can be considered a sense of ignorance or entitlement and while it would be wishful thinking to peg it down to discount department stores such as Walmart or, certain groups of people, the truth is that this type of occurrence happens in every public place, every ethnic, race, creed or culture. Rich or poor, the attitude is seemingly the same.

Ignorance seems to know no boundaries and a sense of entitlement seems to come with today’s mindset being one of “it’s what I want that matters” which brings it forward.  No one cares anymore about anyone else or even politeness, the laws or common courtesy.

Worse than anything, it seems that people who are privileged enough to live in developed countries now seem to think that what they want and need, when they want it and need it, should be provided for them and everyone else be damned. It’s not what they can do to show appreciation for what they have but more what they can get out of everything. It’s a sense of entitlement and with that…comes the ignorance.

The saddest thing of all is that everyone is so afraid of the repercussions from admonishing these people or even bringing them to justice in the law or other forms of re-alignment that no one really does anything anymore so, they continue on doing it and pushing the boundaries further.  Political Correctness has made this worse.  Are we so afraid of offending a culture or a religion that we can’t even let them know that they are crossing boundaries and laws? Are we that afraid that we won’t even attempt to correct any of this type of behaviour? How will Society develop in a civilized manner when everyone figures that it’s ok to do whatever they want and can get away with it?

Isn’t it time that we stepped up to the plate and said,

“NO…you cannot park here.  It’s illegal.”

“Please move your buggy so that I can get past,” and not fear repercussions.

“Get your children under control or leave, please.  thank you,” and push the person to handle their children’s poor behaviour or leave with them.

“No, I will NOT ring through your purchases in this department.  You’ll have to go to the appropriate cashier for that,” and, “I don’t care how long you stood here, waiting…your purchases are NOT from this department.”

“Stop opening the bottles of cosmetics as this is considered theft and vandalism.  You are paying for these items now.”

“Your yelling at your spouse or children is bothering my right to shop in peace.  Take your argument outside of the store.”

“You knocked clothing off of that rack, knew it, left it there and proceeded to walk over it.  It’s considered yours now.  I’ll ring that up at the register.”

“Please obey the ‘no cell phone’ sign and turn off your cell phone or, step outside to make your call.”

“Please move to the side so that I can get past you.”

“I’m sorry but you have a buggy full of items that far exceeds this line’s purpose.  Please move to another suitable cashier and let me past or I will cause a fuss at the desk when you’re considered next.”

Sadly, these types of statements are rarely made by either services, store associates/employees or those of us who are inconvenienced by these types of people and their scenarios.  Equally sadly, I could fill volumes of written words on the subject but, won’t.  All that I can say further right now is…that’s how I’m seeing things going in today’s world and from my little corner of life in it and, I’m sure that I’m not alone in seeing it or feeling this way, am I?

Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes: What Broke Up Tom Cruise’s Three Marriages?

Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers. Scientology and Cruise's cheating broke up that marriage.

Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers. Scientology and Cruise’s cheating broke up that marriage.

A lot of readers have come to this blog, wanting to know what it was that broke up the marriage between Tom Cruise and his first wife, Mimi Rogers.  It’s really not a big secret but, the alleged truth is that Scientology was behind the break-up or rather, the big-shots who were running it.

Rogers was raised with the basics behind Scientology through her father’s devotion to the church’s founder, Ron L. Hubbard and his theories in dianetics, formed in 1952 by Hubbard.

Rogers, born as Mimi Spickler, whose father, Phil Spickler raised her under the principles set out by Ron L. Hubbard.  Her father was instrumental in helping Hubbard begin the first foundations for the Church of Scientology, based upon Hubbard’s theory of Dianetics. A lot of what Spickler did for the church was to try to funnel influential more lucrative people into the folds.  When Hubbard went into seclusion in the 1980’s, Spickler became disenchanted with the new powers-that-be that took over the church and left while continuing to follow Hubbard’s dianetic theories.

Rogers was raised on this type of premise and Hubbard’s theories and had a stint with owning her own field office in California so, it stood to reason that when she met Cruise, now a major Hollywood star, she introduced him to Scientology somewhere around 1986 when they started dating.

Cruise had what is alleged to be “philandering ways” and had been said to have slept with lots of women.  Rogers was apparently, hoping that Scientology would straighten him out and stop this habit.

“Tom was fucking everything that moved,” a friend of Rogers’ said. “But they were all women. I know why the gay rumors started later, but it had nothing to do with who he was having sex with. He slept with women, and he slept with a lot of them.”

In spite of Cruise’s indiscretions, Rogers, 6 years older than Cruise, married him in a hush-hush ceremony on a Scientology important date, May 9, 1987, the date in 1950 that Hubbard had published his first book on dianetics.  Hubbard died in January of 1986 and others had long since taken over the church.

David Miscavige, now a big-shot within the church and brought in by Rogers, saw a huge opportunity in the idea of having a big star like Cruise as part of bringing the church’s ratings and to the forefront in enlarging its membership.  Cruise became an integral part of the church’s future membership and Miscavige wasn’t about to let Rogers possibly screw that up for them.  He set out to destroy the marriage when he saw Rogers as a threat to his plans as her father had left the church nor, did Miscavige want Cruise to be associated with Rogers’ father, Spickler who had become what the church considered a “squirrel” (someone who practiced outside of the church).

When Rogers suggested that she and Cruise use the church’s form of marriage counselling, hoping to change Cruise’s philandering, Miscavige saw that as a clear opportunity to break up the marriage completely.  He made sure that he hand-picked and coached a therapist from the church, do the “counselling”.  That, as it’s said to be, was the beginning of the end of their marriage as Cruise had become more deeply entrenched in the church and the counsellor was sure to ensure that the counselling failed.  It did.

It was during that time that Cruise met Nicole Kidman, his future second wife through his cheating ways and perhaps, because of the church. It’s unclear how he met Kidman. After several times spent together with Kidman, Cruise then got her involved with him further by getting her a role in his then, new movie “Days of Thunder” where their affair continued as Miscavige had wanted to happen and had a “church audit” done on Cruise where he was convinced to stay with Kidman and let Rogers go.  When Rogers showed up on set during the filming, the church made sure that she was “handled” so as to protect Cruise’s relationship with Kidman.  The marriage was doomed through a lot of interference and plotting by the church, as well as Cruise’s own ego and womanizing ways and, it worked.

The church told Rogers that the marriage needed to end by convincing her that it was for the church’s greater good and convinced her to sign the divorce papers.  Rogers swallowed it and signed them as well as an agreement with Cruise to “not talk about it”.

Via a very similar method, the church eventually saw Kidman as a threat to the church when she had Cruise start to back away from it for a few years of their marriage.  The church worked on her as well.  Kidman had also gone into Scientology because of Cruise’s involvement.  Eventually, that marriage also ended through the church’s meddling.  Cruise was too big a ticket for them to lose and also cost Kidman 2 of her children as the church turned them against their mother as well.

What happened between Cruise and Kaite Holmes, Cruise’s third wife was eerily similar to the other 2 wives.  As a matter of fact, Holmes had become friends with Kidman who allegedly, helped her to see what was happening to her through Cruise’s involvement with the church and how the church would also involve Suri, Cruise’s and Holmes’ daughter.  That’s when Holmes woke up and got out, with her daughter.

So, there’s the skeleton from the rumour mill and how Scientology ruined all 3 of Cruise’s marriages.  Sad but, from my little corner of life….he’s a “bought man” and part of a cult following.  As long as he remains part of the church…his life is in their hands and he’s merely a puppet with a puppet master.  But, that’s just my personal opinion on the matter and nothing more.