Laura Mae, Youtube’s (Lose It Like Lauren) Has Lost The Weight But Still Struggles With Her Life And Unhappiness

Anyone who has been looking for weight loss tips, will likely have run across “LoseItLikeLauren’s” channel.  This young British woman has lost some 147 lbs, without surgery and without a program. She’s done this all on her own and is to be commended for her achievements, without doubt.

Lose It Like Lauren

First of all, I wish to express that I really like this young woman and her sense of humour about herself and her entire journey.  She’s truly an inspiration for people of all ages who wish to lose weight but more so, she’s a leader to look up to for the twenty to thirty-something crowd as she was in that age group when she began to lose weight but, now in her 30’s and still making videos weekly with regards to both how she started as well as how she’s kept it off.  In total, her journey has been about 6 years thus far and she’s documented quite a bit of it on Youtube.  Truly commendable.

Where Lauren has started to fall from grace in my opinion is in her obsession with her weight and, in keeping it honest, her lack of a life beyond her weight loss.  Lauren, herself has also commented that she has spent a good portion of the past 6 or more years of her life, focused on losing weight.  She has no job, lives with her mom still, gets depressed and has no lasting relationship in spite of being gorgeous, intelligent as well as intellectual and humorous.  In short, Lauren has created a life around her weight rather than herself and her life beyond weight loss.

For all intents and purposes, someone like Lauren who has focused on her preoccupation with her weight and turned it into her life’s purpose, begs the question of whether she focused on this weight loss because she could find nothing of substance otherwise in herself or her life?

While that may sound like an insult towards this young woman and her efforts, it’s truly not.  At this point in time, Lauren has not moved beyond her initial goal of losing that weight and helping others to do the same.  Her focus has remained on her weight loss even though she has long since lost what she set out to lose.  Though I get the idea that she’s simply trying to motivate and help others to do the same, Lauren has not much else going on in her life in pretty much everything else and has become depressed.  It’s highly likely that she’s also running out of ideas for weekly videos.  They have progressed into more or less whining or even speaking through her depressive, tearful and admission sessions.  Her channel has begun to sound more like a washed up star who is desperately trying to cling onto their glory days but is showing their age and unhappiness.

What’s most disturbing to hear is that Lauren speaks of her former heavier self in Third Person as though she’s totally detached herself from the Plus Sized woman that she was before her weight loss.  She giggles and laughs at herself in her early videos, referring to herself as “she” while crying over what she’s accomplished and how different she is.  At the same time, she’s admitting that she’s depressed, has no life, no job, no relationship and would love to travel, do art and photography but, it’s unclear whether she’s not doing any of this because she can’t afford it financially without working a full time job (something she seems unwilling to do) and while lounging around “mom’s house” as an un-working adult child.

There are a few things that watching Lauren’s videos have brought to mind that everyone should take to heart and think about.

Losing weight won’t make you happy unless you love yourself as you are right now.

There’s no doubt that losing weight is healthy if you’re overweight.  Not many people would argue that point.  However, if you’re thinking that losing weight is the Holy Grail towards feeling happy, think again.  Being slimmer can certainly bring you more energy and help you like yourself better but, it won’t solve all of your problems nor, make you love yourself if you don’t already.  As a matter of fact, you may spend all of your time and energy, putting it into your weight loss and thinking you’ll be happier if you’ve lost that excess baggage but, if you didn’t already love yourself before you started into your weight loss journey, you’re not going to suddenly adore yourself once you’ve lost all of the weight that you’ve set out to lose.  Weight loss adds to your love for self but, it doesn’t create it.  Hating yourself as is means that you’re not going to love yourself once you’ve lost that weight.  Many still see themselves as “the fat person” in spite of the scale, clothing label sizes as well as the mirror image.

You have to have a life and goals whether overweight or slim.

It’s likely obvious that Lauren is making some money off of her Youtube channel videos but, it’s reality that Lauren is not making enough money from that or her part time personal trainer’s position to move out from her mother’s home, sustain herself and she’s not able to sustain a romantic relationship.  No matter how much weight she’s lost, she’s still got issues because she didn’t set up goals for herself within her life or create a full life for herself while losing the weight or even once she had done so.

If you don’t have goals, ambitions or a life and keep those things up, adding to them, your weight loss isn’t going to bring you those things either.  You have to begin those things before, during and after you’ve lost the weight or, you’ll find yourself struggling with depression.  Weight loss is not a magic wand.  You are your own creator of your own show, life and purpose and, that is not dependent upon your weight unless you are so heavy that you can’t get out of a chair or walk out of your home.  Even then, you have to have goals for yourself and your life outside of losing weight.  It cannot be your sole focus as Lauren has done in her own life.

Sadly, we are a society that both adores slim and even thin people while we’ve become an increasingly overweight and even obese society.  Even those who are slim, seem to hate something about their bodies and themselves in this day and age of celebrities, thinness, red carpet looks and plastic surgery.  However to think that your life will be peachy-keen if you were to just lose that extra weight, is naive, false and won’t lead you any closer to being happy than staying heavier.  You may squeeze yourself into a size 0 or 2 now instead of a 20 or 22 but, your problems, issues, lack of self-love and relationships will still be there unless you, yourself, make the inner changes as well to invite happiness into your life.  One look at the celebrities who have had the plastic surgery, walking the red carpet with designer clothing and adoring fans who hunt them down for selfies and autographs will tell you to look beneath the surface.  Many of them, in spite of being stick and bone thin, dressed to the 9’s with seemingly everything at their finger tips, including admirers, have also been in therapy or are self-medicating themselves with prescription or street drugs and dealing with broken marriages, relationships as well as children who have run amok.  Self-love has to come before anything else can make you happy, including losing weight.

While, of course, I wish Lauren every happiness in this world, I also can see a young woman who now has to free herself from making herself, her life and who she is based on her weight loss. She has to venture out into the world and create a life of her own now.  Her weight loss is behind her and while much like an alcoholic, she will likely always have to work on keeping weight at bay, she also has to learn to love herself and move forward and away from her weight in order to be happy in her life now.  It’s just time from what I’m hearing from her in her videos.  She’s not a happy person in spite of losing an entire person’s worth of weight and won’t be contented until she reaches out into the world and does something she enjoys with herself and her life.

Remember: weight loss is a health issue but, it’s only an adjunct to happiness.  If you’re not a happy person to begin with, you’re not going to be a suddenly happy person once you’ve lost your excess weight.  You need to be happy with you as you are right now, at the weight that you are and success in weight loss adds to that happiness but, doesn’t create it.  At least, that’s the way that I’m seeing LoseItLikeLauren from my little corner of life.

Ralph Smart (Infinite Waters Diving Deep) Can Get All of The “Hello’s” He Wants For What He Charges People

“Can I get a HELLO?” asks Youtube channel master, Infinite Waters (Diving Deep).  “And…we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

RalphSmart

Better known as Infinite Waters whose real name (or at least that’s what he calls himself) is Ralph Smart, is allegedly a psychologist who has found his niche in getting Youtube subscribers by going the Spiritual route, “breathing in that good ass prana.”

With some over 650,000 subscribers on Youtube, Smart seems to have found the holy grail to his success.  Filming mostly in what appears to be a park somewhere, background unrecognizable because he’s usually standing in front of a tree or has Weeping Willow branches grazing his face and head most of the time, Smart has figured out how to hook in over half a million viewers and subscribers with his spiritual contented “solutions” to both life and personal issues.

If that wasn’t enough to cover his monthly bills, Smart also offers private sessions on his website, along with books, cd’s and, have I mentioned that he also calls himself a Life Coach, Relationship Guide, Alchemist, and Infinite Being?

“PEACE” he says, ending all of his videos.

I’ll say that I’d have peace too if you’ll pay me 350 pounds (that’s British pounds and heaven knows what that translates to in cost within your part of the world) for a one hour session that can be done by “recorded HD Skype” after you’ve paid him via PayPal, Visa, MasterCard, American Express and I’m sure he’d find other ways to accommodate  your payment method if you had no other way of doing so.  In my part of the world, that 350 British pounds, translates into a whopping $610 for a one hour Skype session with him. I would think he should be giving those who can and will pay that, the meaning of Life.

This calm, serene, happy looking Brit chap stops at least once or twice during his videos to turn his head to the side then back again, smile never leaving his face for the full 20 or so minutes he usually records.

“Slow motion to this side….mmmmm,” Smart says, closing his eyes and mimicking a rather dull imitation of a camera slowing its shot.

Admittedly, Smart’s (Infinite Waters Diving Deep) first videos caught my eye and I subscribed to his channel as over a half million people have done.  He made sense and got me hooked on his videos as he touched upon topics that most of us do struggle with to some extent or another, in one way or another.  I eagerly lapped them up, spending a couple of hours at a time, watching them.  Unfortunately, as time went by, it seems that Smart caught onto the idea that adding Spiritual elements to his videos, outweighed the psychological side of his psychologist’s roots.  He, himself got on the mystical spiritual train ride and turned Vegan more recently, where each of his videos are extolling the virtues of becoming Vegan to some extent or another.  It all became far too New Age-y as well as trendy for me at this point.

It’s not that I am not spiritual because I am.  It’s more the point that I can see that Smart seemed to find a hook with which to grab in more viewers and sell more of both his books, cd’s as well as those overly expensive “sessions” he sells to the most vulnerable of people.  If I had that kind of money, I’d be spending it on sessions with a real face-to-face psychologist versus a Youtube video maker who puts just enough into his videos to hook people into viewing them.  It’s no mistake that Smart makes money off of his Youtube channel as well.  The more subscribers, the more he makes in every sense of the word.

“Infinite Waters, Diving Deep, PEEEAAACCCCE,” Smart says as he travels to the bank.  Well done, Mr. Smart.  Not only were you named aptly (smart) but, you’re diving deep into people’s pockets.  Even a practising psychologist doesn’t make that much but, you’ve found The Secret (a concept Author, Rhonda Byrnes has found that has her laughing all the way to the bank and the concept of manifesting what you want into being by thinking it so that Smart pushes in a few of his videos as well).

For the kind of money that both Smart charges and likely makes as well as the millions of dollars that Byrnes has made on her books, I’ll give you all of the hellos you can stand, put it into a taped Skype version and send you a hug through the video camera while I’m at it.

It’s not totally happy people who are watching Smart’s videos.  Like myself, most people are struggling with something or other in their lives and looking for answers to those problems.  People like Smart and Byrnes give people hope in a mystical way that other professionals can’t seem to give them.  It may be bull droppings but, as long at there’s hope, people will lap it up and even pay for it.  Smart knows it as does Byrnes.  At least, that’s the way that I’m seeing things from my little corner of life.

PEACE, Love and Light.

 

 

 

Just One of Those Blogging Blah Days

I’m sure every blogger has them.  They’re the days when everything in your life seems like someone pulled the plug out of the bathtub of your life and everything is draining out yet…you don’t have a clue on what to write about that won’t scare off any readers, bore them to tears of have them wondering if you belong in a psychiatric ward, doped on heavy medications.

Yup…I’m having one of those days….months, really.

To make matters worse, it seems that out of everything that I’ve written, Tom Cruise and his marriages seem to be the highest read entries, making everything else seem like a total waste of time and breath.  I’m kind of wishing at this moment that my blog was purely about Tom Cruise.  Problem is, I don’t know the guy or anyone who knows him so the scoops, dishes and dirt on him are as much a mystery to me as they are to everyone who Googles “Tom Cruise” in search of everything they can find out about him.

Really, what do we need to know about Cruise that’s all that fascinating?  He’s had 3 marriages, ruined them all because of his Scientology religious affiliations (where they were using him to begin with as he was a big name that brought attention to the practises of the “church”). His first marriage to Mimi Rogers, who by the way, introduced him to Scientology as her father was part of it.  She was raised on its teachings and the marriage ended by the church’s interference.  That’s how he met Wife number 2, Nicole Kidman.  The church saw to it that Cruise’s philandering ways were heading down the path of meeting Kidman and making her, Wife Number Two. That marriage ended when Cruise’s Scientology involvement became too much for her to deal with and, likely…for other reasons as well.  He has children with his second wife, actress, Nicole Kidman that he’s inducted into the Scientology Hall of Fame and, another child with young actress, Katie Holmes, Suri Cruise…who is terribly spoiled for all intents and purposes and not indoctrinated into the church as mom, Katie, wouldn’t hear of it happening.

Did I say that he’s crazy?  Ok, well…he is. …but, I’ll let you be the judge in this video where he goes off into a rant.  If you can tell me what he’s talking about, please translate for me in the comment section.  I don’t speak Alien.  By the way, if you’re interested in a good laugh, this might be a better video to watch.  It’s a spoof of Cruise’s rant and well done.  There’s actually a few of them.

As a sidenote, rumour has it that Cruise has a “new love”.  Emily Thomas is seemingly, a Katie Holmes “look-a-like” and yes, only 22 years old.  Yes, the now, 54 year old actor seems to like them young.  Maybe, he thinks he’s Noah and going to re-populate the church on his own?  Who knows what runs through the man’s head?  Do we really want to know what runs though his head at all?  Worst of all, who knows what runs through any woman’s head who wants to be with him?  Well, besides money and fame, that is.  However, when they try getting out of the church or the church wants them out, they either have a difficult time of it or, their marriage is meddled with, along with their heads, until they’re running for the hills and keeping their mouths shut.  Mum’s the word, it seems.

EmilyThomas

With that now off of my chest, I digress back to blogging and the effort that it takes to write something coherent and interesting.  I’m in a slump at the moment.  Really, I should stay away from the stats page where I can see the searches that people do and what they are looking for while doing them.

By the way, yes you can eat dessert and lose weight.  I know that’s another popular search many people do.  Type it into the search bar and my piece will come up.  While you’re at it though, would you take a look at some of the other of the pieces that I’ve written?  It might boost my morale for writing a tad again.  Oh yes…and let me know what you think on any of the pieces.  After all, there’s more to this life than Tom Cruise and his marriages.  At least…that’s the way that I see things from my little corner of life.

 

 

 

 

ALL Lives Matter Not Just Black Lives!

The past few days, Toronto, Canada and the world, have had to sit back and watch the antics of a tiny, almost negligible group of self-titled “Queer” Black Activist women, stop a Gay Pride Parade with a sit-in and hold everyone hostage until their “demands” were met by parade organizers, signing their letter in order to get the parade moving.  Their chief gripe was “Black Inclusion” and police “exclusion” from the parade.

I refuse to put up a photo of them here as it only gives that group more attention, which is what they are wanting more than anything else.

It’s hard to even type out the name of this tiny group, started by 2 women who call themselves “activists” but, media keeps giving them attention everywhere they go and therefore, Black Lives Matter-TO, will keep on staging sit-ins and protests with one main theme…Blacks are treated unfairly by police.

Keep in mind that we’re talking about Canada here.  We’re a far-cry from other countries in policing or treatment of the Black Communities.  Are we perfect? No, but this country certainly isn’t “bad” by any means of the word.

This group chose the name of a member of the Black Community who was killed by police over a year ago on which to form a platform.  It was un-justified given that the majority of deaths of members of the Black Community, are killed in cold-blooded murders by other members of the Black Community.  Apparently, Blacks, killing other Blacks with guns and knives in bold, aimed and directed murders by the dozens is “ok” but, let a White police officer kill a member of the Black Community (justified or not) and all hell breaks loose.  Protests, rants, cries of long-gone slavery and mistreatment, again rear their ugly heads as guilt inducers to the White Community.

What’s sad is that White Canadians appear to be the staunchest defenders.  During a 3 day-long Twitterfest’s worth of rants, the most hardened of Tweeters backing this small group’s highjacking of one of the world’s largest Gay Pride Parades for 30 minutes, were Whites who seemed to be saying that they were feeling some form of guilt for being White.

Sadly, while the Black Lives Matter-TO group claimed “victory” in holding up a parade with demands that had little, if anything to do with Gay Pride, what they didn’t see was that they actually did more harm to their cause than they did good.

There are members of the Gay Community on Toronto’s Police Force and to hear that they were no longer welcomed at the parade, no police float and Pride Organizers signed the demand list, prompted police to be upset, angered and have one Homosexual officer write a letter with his feelings towards this topic.  His letter can be read HERE.  In this case, the only things worse than being a White police officer is being a Gay/Black police officer.  Toronto has a Black Police Chief by the way.  Mark Saunders.

What blows this all out of proportion for me is that these activists are promoting “anti-white” thinking.  All of their “Black Rights” propaganda is working against the idea unity of the world with no colours, only people.  They are isolating Black from White or any other colours.  They are pro-Black and seem to be saying “nobody else matters”.  They’ve gone so far as to say that they “own” the phrase “Black Lives Matter” and any take-off on it such as “All Lives Matter” are taken from them.  There isn’t a patent on the phrase with their name on it anywhere but, let them think what they want.  They will anyway.

If members of the Black Communities think that they’re getting a rotten deal, they obviously don’t care about anyone else’s struggles in this world.  One need only look as far as Honour Killings to find horrid atrocities.  Articles like THIS ONE simply make one shake their heads in disbelief that what this particular minuscule group of women are complaining about, is laughable by comparison.  Where is their outrage over situations like this where women are being murdered by their own parents, brothers and family because they married outside of an arranged marriage by their families?  Any gripes that BLM-TO has, pales by comparison to this type of practise and makes their demands and protests all seem laughable.

If the Black Community in Toronto want to be treated differently, they need to stand up to their own children and communities by taking a good, hard and long look at what their own youth are doing rather than blaming police for doing a job that they, themselves wouldn’t want to do.  They need to pinch themselves and remind themselves that if Black youths weren’t out gunning one another down, taking innocent by-standers with them, there wouldn’t need to be police intervention.  If the majority of gang-related troubles weren’t heavily practised by Black youth, police wouldn’t be down their backs or anywhere around them.  The reality is, it’s easier to blame others than to sort out their own dirty laundry first.

Like it or not, this is what I’ve been seeing from my little corner of life and I’m being reminded of it daily as criminal events in my own neighbourhood and the loss of a friend of mine as an innocent by-stander in a running gun fight between members of the Black Community (as they call it) over a “dis” have been in my face with eyes wide open in my own life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can Helping, Caring and Loving Too Much Drive People Away?

If you’ve been following my blog at all, you’ll likely come to recognize that my adult-daughter has taken off to be with a narcissistic, controlling Jerk with severe emotional, social and mental issues who smokes weed and, in reading my last entry, you will know that my husband is somewhat less than a stellar listener, likely locked within his own little world more than 90% of the time.  In other words, I don’t have either of them.

If I were reading my own words, I’d be thinking, “hmmm…must be her.  She’s driving people away!”

Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you if you were thinking that as I’ve wondered the same thing and asked myself the same thing, over and over and over again, grinding myself into the floor, stomping on myself and beating myself up a bit more just for good measure.

However, after a lot of therapy sessions where I’ve posed this scenario, 10 or more notebooks worth of journalling, 3 copies of cognitive therapy books worn out and replaced each time, I’ve come to the conclusion that yes, it is me that’s to blame.

Now, before you say “ah-ha…thought so…”, let me say that I’m not a Fish Wife, nagger or someone who simply gets under someone else’s skin.  Those aren’t the causes of both my husband and my daughter being as they are with me.  As a matter of fact, you might recognize this “flaw/fault” within yourself too and it may be the reason why some of your relationships are or have been literally, kicking/kicked you in the ass.

I’m going to admit something here that I have been told and are thinking about for a long time.

I mother and help people far too much.

That sounds a lot like back-patting rather than an admission of any blame, fault or flaw, doesn’t it but, let me assure you that it is a wart that drives people away for several reasons.

  1. The people you help come to resent you.  Unbelievably, at some point or another, helping others too much, turns against you because people feel “weak” around you.  They know that you know their weaknesses and they don’t want to be around you once they no longer have the issues that you were helping them with in the first place.  You remind them of those times and no one wants to remember their weakest times especially, if they were chronic.
  2. Mothering everyone is nice when others want and need it but eventually, you actually start becoming too caring, concerned and they see you as being more of a pain-in-the-ass when they want to do things on their own.  As an adult, when someone is constantly swooping in to “clean up the boo-boo’s and make it all better”, people come to a point where your maternal help is more annoying than anything else.  They need to fall and make mistakes, get scrapes and cuts, bruises and broken bones and hearts in order to grow.  If you’re taking that away by softening the blows or preventing their need to do things as grown-ups, you’re stunting their growth and they will resent you for it at some point or another and want to break free of your “smothering”.
  3. You’re seen as controlling even if that’s not your intentions.  You’d think that helping others and mothering them, would somehow endear you to them, wouldn’t you?  However, that’s not the case.  Even the laziest or most inept person on this planet, eventually comes to see someone who is constantly there, helping, hand-holding, telling them how to deal with their issues (no matter how kind-hearted you were in giving it all to them) as “controlling” them.  They eventually come to the point where, again…they feel smothered and come to resent it.  It is looked upon as a form of control on your part rather than a loving gesture or set of gestures.

This is the point where I am at with both my husband and my daughter.  I cared too much. I loved too much.  I couldn’t stand to see either of them fumble, fall, get hurt or be in pain of any kind so, I’d try to help sort things out for them and yes….”mother them” silly.  I gave far too much of myself to both of them and I am paying for it dearly now through both rejection on my daughter’s part and by distancing himself on my husband’s part.

If you truly want people to be in your life fully, STOP CARING SO MUCH!

While that may sound counter-intuitive, it’s not.  It’s what will keep people in your life more than not.  For all of the above reasons, it’s important to take a giant step back from the situation and get yourself in check.  Ask yourself if you really need to help them.  Look at the situation and size it up for what it is.  Slap yourself if you have to but, ask yourself if they fell, got hurt or felt “pain”, would they really fall apart or, would they learn from it?  If you can answer “no, they won’t fall apart and yes, they will learn from it,” remain standing back and let it happen.  If they really want you, they will ask but, stop swooping in like a guardian angel, ready to take over all of their problems for them.  Not only will they learn and grow from it but, they won’t resent you.

I’ve learned a valuable lesson from being hit across the head one too many times.  I don’t intend on continuing to help or mother the world.  I’m turning down the volume on caring quite so much and I’m finding both my blood pressure as well as my anxiety levels dropping.  Carrying everyone else’s issues on your shoulders and making it your responsibility is a heavy load to keep carrying around especially, when you’re losing people anyway.  Something has to give so it may as well be other people’s problems rather than you and your self-esteem.

From my little corner of life, I can see where my energy is better placed and that is…into my own needs, wants and more importantly…me!

 

Does My Husband Really Hear Me Or Is he Ignoring Me?

yelling

It sounds laughable and perhaps, even comical….sometimes….but, for the most part, it’s become more than simply an annoyance when your husband is constantly asking you “what?” after everything you say to him, including long explanations.  There isn’t enough time nor, energy in the world to keep repeating every word you say or have said over a day’s time.  It’s exhausting to say the least.  I’d wring his neck but, it’s illegal.

I’m not joking when I write that everything that I say to the man, literally, has to be said 2, 3 or 4 times before he “hears it” and, I practically have to be yelling where he takes offence.  Worse than that, he has no hearing problems.  I should know because I sent him to have his hearing checked, telling him that I would definitely apologize to him if he did have a hearing impairment.  His tests came back “perfect hearing”.

The man hears what he wants to hear.  If there’s someone he wants to talk to or there’s a ball game on television, in spite of traffic noise that could drown out a fog horn, he hears.

So, what are the potential issues if an audiologist has deemed him with no hearing loss or problems and he can’t hear me when I’m right beside him?

  • The tone of my voice gets drowned out.  Perhaps, there’s a certain frequency that he “tunes out of” and my voice is one of them?  Wouldn’t surprise most women, I’m sure to know that their husbands are quite capable of attuning their brains to only understanding frequencies that don’t match those of their spouses. However, that doesn’t hold water much because I’ve tried changing the pitch of my voice and changing what I’m saying to him.  No winners there.
  • He doesn’t want to hear me ask him to do anything.  That might be a possibility except that I could be saying “dinner is ready” and he doesn’t seem to hear that either.
  • His brain cannot process what his ears pick up. That would fit the bill if he couldn’t comprehend the football, baseball or soccer games via radio or one of his buddies’ phone calls over a small cell phone.  He can understand all that so, I have to assume that it’s not that his brain can’t compute.
  • He’s lost in his own little world and only hears what he selectively wants to hear better than 90% of the time.  This is more than likely the cause of his “hearing loss” when it comes to my voice.

I’m betting that it’s the last idea that is his problem.  He’s likely allowing himself to be lost in an inner world of some making that he only comes out of when it’s convenient for him or, he wants to be out of it because there’s something more interesting for him when out of it.  That must mean that he finds me either terribly boring or, he’s really avoiding responsibilities or being asked to do anything or, that the little world he seems to dwell in, is really exciting.  Or, it could mean that it’s so peaceful in there, being empty that he loves being there.  I’d say it’s exciting but, he doesn’t appear to have many insightful thinking of his own. At least, not from what I hear coming from his mouth to me or anyone else for that matter.  There’s no “light bulb moments” that he has or expresses.  As a matter of fact, he seems to express very little other than surface conversation with anyone I’ve ever seen him talk to.  He also quickly seems to be able to snap out of it when there’s “blame” placed upon him for not doing something because he’s extremely quickly heard every word and responded with an “if you can do better….you do it,” type answer.

Whatever the issue is or, whatever the reason is for him not hearing me or my voice, I’m tired.  Repeating everything 2, 3 or 4 times is totally mind-blowingly exhausting.  I’ve even begun sentences with nonsense words such as “gobbledeegook” to see if he’ll budge an inch.  Nope.  Nothing is said…not even a “what?”  Does that mean that he hears my voice but, could care less about anything that I have to say?  Perhaps, my next sentence should start with…”I’m having a torrid love affair with…..” and wonder if he’ll hear that?  If he claps with glee….he’s been drowning out my voice and is totally tired and fed-up with me.

The real issue here is that I could be in trouble, dying or needing help quickly and the man just doesn’t hear me.  What then?  Is it Life Alert for me next?  May as well.  At least “it” will hear me.

From my little corner of life, I’m wiped right out of trying to talk to him and, likely won’t be uttering more than I absolutely have to anymore.  In fact, any time that I do have to speak to him about anything since we live in the same house, I’m going to be sure to stand 2 inches from his face, literally be up in it, catch his attention speak really slowly, enunciating every word as though speaking to a nearly deaf person and perhaps, between his hearing and lip reading, he’ll get what I’m saying.  I’ll reserve my energy the rest of the time for pillow punching, instead.

Maybe….I just need to run away from home?

 

 

 

 

I Wrote My Daughter An Apology But Is It Enough?

writing an email

 

I wrote an email  to my adult-daughter today.  It is sad that I cannot communicate with her in any other way after over 7 months of her estrangement from her father and I but, it was the only way that I can now communicate with her.  Even then, I am not sure that she will get it or read it but, again…there seems to be no other way as she will not pick up the phone when I call or respond to voicemail messages.

This is not the first “walk-off” that she’s pulled on us.  Actually, this is the third time and each time that she’s done this, it’s become harder and harder to hold back emotions and think rationally.  Part of me wants to scream, grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her while the other part keeps telling me that I must remain logical, rational and thinking versus being the angry, hurt, emotional wreck that I am.

All of this seems to have come about because of an extremely messed up man that she’s chosen to live with.  Her lifestyle is that of a teenager, living in a Frat house, smoking weed, living from paycheque to paycheque.  He has no drive nor ambition to get ahead in life or better their situation.  He talks a good game but, his actions are more telling.  There are none.  His motives are clear to see through as he has systematically worked on her mind to isolate her from everything and everyone who may threaten the safety of his control and relationship with her.  Gone are all of her friends and her family.  He barely works and when he does, it’s in a job that was created by his father who is now elderly and in his late, golden years.  This man sees his family when he does work because it’s a family business but, he has managed to get himself kicked out of his own family’s gatherings over not being able to smoke weed while in the company of family friends, in a dedicated smoking area.  Neither of them have family events that they will attend or can attend now.  Yet, they say weed is non-addictive.  Perhaps, that is so but, he has certainly proven that one can become dependent upon it.

Our daughter was raised quite differently than I was raised.  Having come from a family, riddled with alcoholism, I made a decision to never put her through the horrors of living with substance abuse and all that comes with it.  I got myself for counselling the moment I left the house and continued with therapy long after many of my family had died from alcohol related issues.  In short, I gave her everything that I couldn’t and didn’t get during my childhood and teenaged years of life.  She received love, support, praise, ego-boosting, self-esteem building and every advantage that we could afford to give to her so that she would have a great start in life.  It back-fired on us with the inclusion of a messed up, drug dependent jerk who worked on whatever he could to convince her that she belonged with him.

Today’s letter was one of “apology”.  I apologized on her father’s and my behalf (with my husband’s blessings).  We explained why we gave her so much and how it likely caused her to have issues with facing “the real world”.  She was handed everything we could afford to give her materialistically was well as emotionally.  It was probable that she had to face the realities of the harshnesses of a “cold world” unprepared because no one else would see her as we did and, how hard we figured it must have been on her to have dealt with the stark differences she must have faced.  I also explained that we still love her and that we wanted her in our lives but, that she also must understand that we are people too and we have boundaries which we should have set up much more strongly a long time ago.  We did her no favours by sheltering her from harshnesses.

It’s likely that she will allow The Jerk to read this email and it’s extremely likely that both of them will twist and turn the sincerity of those words that were written into some seething plot to control her or whatever else the two of them can cook up while smoking up.  I have little doubt that our thoughts and words will have the opposite meaning than we meant by the time The Jerk and she finish discussing it all and, we’ll still be back at Square One and without her in our lives.

Frankly, this was one last desperate attempt at letting our daughter know that she is loved, wanted and that we’ve been working on trying to find a way to deal with her choices but, also let her know that she cannot expect that we will always be able to support her decisions or lack of them.  It was also a last ditch attempt at letting her know that we know we weren’t “perfect parents” by any means of the word but, we tried and where we think we may have failed and why.  Should this email fail to convince her that we are sincere and still love her, making her re-think her stances and choices…I am done.  There is nothing more for either of us to say or do after this and it will have to be faced that we no longer have a daughter as part of our lives.  As a matter of fact, she is our only child so, we will have to accept the idea that we have no children in our lives.  That is beyond all comprehension for me as we both wanted children but, were only blessed with the one.

So, as she sits in the tiny, cramped apartment that is falling down around their ears, smoking hundreds of dollars worth of weed every month, debt up past their earlobes, him barely working, credit rating so bad that they cannot even get a lease on another apartment, her sleeping on a couch because he’s eating and snoring all night after his smoking-up all day, I can only hope that something, somehow, somewhere, clicks into her mind and she wakes up to what her choices have brought her from and led her towards.  I can only hope that all of those years of raising her the best way that we knew how and with all of the love, time, effort and energy that we put into her and her future will be remembered.  I can only have faith that the love we have given her, shown her and instilled with her, are still there.  There is no other thing to hope for than the idea that she still has enough love for us to not allow a totally messed up individual throw away over 3 decades of her life and all that went with it.  If she allows that to happen…sadly….she is lost and there is no choice but to give up on trying with her.  There’s only so much blood that one can swallow and only so many tears one can shed before reality has to set in.  That reality is that she is “gone/lost”.

My 60th birthday will creep up in July of this year (2016) and it’s as likely that I won’t have her around to celebrate it with me as it that she won’t be around.  I’ve seen 3 therapists who have tried to give me helpful suggestions.  I’ve tried them all and more.  As one of them has wisely said, “don’t give up hope”.  I am all but out of hope and this was my last try at hanging onto it.

From my little corner of life, I am trying to hang onto hope but, be a realist as well.  I cannot allow myself to be taken down totally.  I fought far too hard to allow what I’ve worked so hard to gain within myself, healing the scars left behind in myself from my own childhood and trying to live a life that is fruit-filled and productive to let it all slip away to a jerk and weed.  I will not allow either to take that from me.  I know what I’ve done, how hard I fought and how far I came.  Equally, I know that I was and am a Good Parent.  They cannot take those thoughts from me but, I struggle in hanging onto “hope” now.